Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and all I can think about is how much I miss Elli and how hard this month is. I’ve always associated Valentine’s Day with her since her birthday is this month (along with mine) and she was a “heart baby.” And I guess that’s why I’ve been really struggling since I turned the page to February.
The problem is that the kids are still at full-throttle. They love this holiday, they are enjoying parties at school and making cards and eating candy, while I’m thinking about how Elli isn’t here to do that anymore. And Little Boy never quits finding new ways to leave his mark on things.
So I feel like I’m slogging slowly and tearfully through molasses-thick days, while the kids run circles around me. The memories are flying fast and furious. And all of a sudden the wound on my heart that had scabbed over a little and allowed me to get through my days pretty well has broken wide open, and the tears and loss and loneliness are just pouring out.
Everything I’ve read so far recommends just letting yourself feel it. Don’t try to bottle it up or hide from it or bury it. But it’s hard to go grocery shopping or pick up your child from school or even talk on the phone when your eyes are bloodshot, your face is puffy, and your nose is completely stuffed up.
So I’m trying to figure out how to keep functioning, especially outside my house, when I feel so unpresentable. I don’t think my sunglasses will quite cover everything.
Oh wait…Little Boy just brought me his older brother’s Incredible Hulk mask. That will do nicely.
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Love you my Joy. I am praying for you. It is kind of an empty month, when it used to be so full – your birthday, Elli’s birthday, our anniversary!!!! It is very hard to grasp the reality of it all. The hurt you feel leaves me wordless, hurting for you, praying for your comfort. If you need to talk, I am hear for you. I will listen to you as you talk through and with the tears. Love you for always!
Crying with you, my friend, and praying for you.
Joy, I love you and your family very much. This is so hard, yet God walks with/carries us the whole way. Know you are loved and cared for.
Oh, she’s making Valentine’s in heaven. And they’re spectacular. And she’s making them all on her own and so delighted, I am SURE of that. That doesn’t make it any easier on you because you are the one left on the imperfect earth until you can be reunited with her again. Thank you for sharing, I hope writing was therapeutic and cathartic for you.
I love you
Ah Joy,
Maybe we could just make you a tshirt that informs people–
Don’t mind me- These tears are earned.
I was thinking the other day that in a way it did make sense that they used to wear black for a year, and then half-mourning with lavender– you could wear it and everyone knew and could leave you alone or provide sympathy as needed. Now, maybe grief makes us uncomfortable and we just want to cheer people up to alleviate our own discomfort instead of recognizing that grief also enables us to feel deeply the joy that we had and recognize its power.
Maybe we’ll make it a lavender shirt…!
It was neat to read that you and your daughter's birthdays are in the same month, my daughter's and mine are exactly 2 weeks away, so September is always a bittersweet month for me. Stay strong, while the hole in your heart never heals, the pain gets easier to take with time. God Bless