We currently serve in a small church just a few miles from our home. We’ve been there for nearly 5 years, so I’m in the midst of guiding my 3rd child through the toddler stage there. (And since Elli was so developmentally delayed, she never really left the toddler stage either.)
Through this time, I’ve observed that the currently-popular format for “doing church” doesn’t readily accommodate the needs of the mother of young children. Age-segregated classes require many workers. At a small church, finding people to staff the nursery and teach the toddlers can be especially challenging. As a mom, I feel obligated to volunteer since I’m bringing the “customers.” But in doing that, especially at the frequency required in a small church, this removes me and the other volunteers from adult classes and services frequently. And even when we aren’t in a classroom, we’re still on call, especially with babies still nursing.
Even more challenging are the events for the whole family. In theory, these should be easier because we’re all together. But in practice, I find it very stressful to try to keep the very young children from creating distractions for everyone else. They aren’t old enough to physically sit still or be quiet for long periods of time. So I end up taking them out of the event, sometimes almost immediately if we’re having a particularly bad day. I’ve walked the halls or sat with a child in an empty classroom through countless services, concerts, dinners. This becomes rather isolating.
Adding to the challenge of these whole-family events are the un-childsafe environments they are frequently held in. Young children are insatiably curious, which translates into impeccable ability to hone in on any tempting but dangerous diversion within reach.
For example, the Thursday before Easter our church has a special candle-lit meal. With actual lighted candles. This meal has great ambiance… for everyone else. I am not able to enjoy it because if I let down my guard or look away even for a second, one of my children will burn themselves or set the whole place on fire or pull a tablecloth covered with hot-food-filled dishes into our laps. Who knew how hazardous tablecloths were?
This is part of what makes parenting so draining. The job is unrelenting. Mothers, because they are giving of themselves so incessantly, are particularly in need of time to leave all that at the door, worship, and stockpile their souls with truth for the moments ahead. They need to be encouraged and inspired and motivated to dust themselves off when they screw up, move forward in God’s strength, and do better next time.
I wish I had an easy remedy. In a larger church, there are more people to carry the load. In a perfect world we could fill the schedules and classrooms with people who do not have young children at home. These precious people would be delighted to give an hour or two every few weeks to allow their bone-weary and frazzled sisters time to refresh and worship unencumbered and un-distracted. But we don’t live in a perfect world.
I wonder if perhaps it is time to reconsider what and how we “do church.” We should also consider our expectations of one another. Perhaps I’m overly-concerned about how my children wiggling and prancing and whispering affects others. Perhaps others expect more out of young children than is reasonable. I don’t know.
What I do know is that the Bible doesn’t give us an order of service to follow on Sunday. It doesn’t prescribe Sunday School at 9:30 followed by 3 hymns, an offering, and a sermon. It does tell us not to forsake the gathering of believers. We occasionally read of how those early churches spent their time together. They enjoyed meals together (by candlelight no less) and learned from readings from the Scriptures they had available to them. It’s pretty simple, actually. I’d love to see us return to that simplicity.
But I certainly wouldn’t turn down a kindly soul who offered to take my toddler to watch the cars and trucks outside, either!
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I will remember this. I remember our conversations on this topic and one thing has always entered my head: “is it ok for me to offer to take a turn with the child?” Maybe you could tell me from your situation. I worry about offending or insulting a mother by offering this. I also worry that while I know I love kids the mother may not be ready to let me take their child for them. Do you think it’s ok to offer? Right now the Lord has me single. I pray that I can be a resource with this, but worry how to do it appropriately. I know mother’s miss a lot and I know that it can make you feel discouraged, frustrated, drained, and lonely. Thank you for your insight. It’s hard to hear that things can be so discouraging, but it’s good to hear that people need to step up and help. Love you so much!
This is a characteristic of the modern church as a whole which believes that we need classes for different age groups, and that we need to separate people by age and course type…which makes sense for school, but church is supposed to be a community.
This is also why Communion has lost so much of it’s meaning…the Lord’s Supper was meant to be for all of us, both a celebration of the coming of the Messiah, and a celebration of the birth of the church, of the community of Saints. But we turn it, all too often, into something individually about us and our sin, and leave everything else to the wayside.
In the first century church, everybody met in a single courtyard and did their business at once. there might be a single speaker, or a group of small groups, or a giant meal…giant meals were more often the case, where everybody might meet to eat together, to share what God was doing in their lives, etc.
Though often this was happening every day, not once a week.
When we establish that the church is actually a group of classrooms and schedules, it becomes about something different than, perhaps, what the spirit of the church is actually about, and we condemn those with larger families to nursery duty until their kids grow up enough to not be an issue. And that is not community.
Your post brought something to my mind that I often tell Bob (not really about the church).
I haul 3 kids to the grocery store and they act like 3 kids 6 and under who don’t want to be at the grocery store. People glare at me or whisper about how I need to control those kids better.
He hauls above mentioned children to the grocery store and people act like he’s some kind of hero. They offer to help him push the cart, do this or do that. They say things like “you’re so brave taking all these kids to the store, my husband never would”
It doesn’t matter how the kids act: he’s the hero, I’m not. I’m just mom.
I’ve since learned that we either have such high, unattainable expectations for mothers or we have such low expectations for mother. Neither one is good.
I realize that this has nothing to do with anything you wrote but wanted to say it. Guess who hauled all kids to said grocery store the other day?
You speak my heart so plainly. Sometimes I feel like I am starving for true fellowship and teaching, but I can never really listen to an entire sermon, because I have to frequently stop listening to discipline children, then I lose track of what was being said. I hadn’t sat through an entire women’s Sunday school class, or other meeting in a long time, until recently I attended a new home school support group (and left the children home.)
Your blog was passed on to me by a friend, and I wanted to reply about some of your thoughts.
I am the Children’s Director at a church with about 2000 people, and the struggle to find volunteers does not go away in large churches. In larger churches, there’s even a trend towards paying people vs. volunteering. That gets costly and also causes people to think, “Hey, if they pay, why do I need to volunteer?”
If only everyone in every church would faithfully give of their time in some way we wouldn’t have the struggle that we have, but in reality it happens in every church no matter the size.
With regards to some of your other insights, here are a couple of counter points to think about.
1. Age segregated classes – Our church does this because the learning capacity of a 2 year old is different than a 3 year old, etc… It has been suggested many times that we combine K-5 in one large group. I’ve talked to many other churches and that combination has it’s pros and cons as well. The number one is that a Kindergartener is so different from a 5th grader. The second con is that in those large groups there’s little teacher/student connection and kids get lost. I’ve even talked to some churches had combined and went back to segregated because it actually worked better for them. I think both (segregated or not) have their pros and cons and each church has to figure out what works best for their congregation.
2. People without kids serving – This is a great place to start, but it will not always cover what needs to be done. And for some people without kids, they have reasons not to serve with children. Some people just aren’t kid people. And having them serve is actually not beneficial. Some people cannot have kids and serving with them brings up pain. And then there’s those who have served for years and just need a break, even if they don’t have kids.
In my job, this has been the hardest part for me. The balance of asking parents to help, and finding non-parents who will also help.
3. Simplifying – It’s funny that those of us who are in the trenches want to simplify, but if we were to decide to change churches and were out looking for a new church, the things that draw us to a church are the programs – do they have a choir, do they have children’s activities and classes, do they have a youth group, etc… I’ve pondered this fact with many people and asked them if they would stay at a church that simplified. Funny enough, many people said they wouldn’t. They want less to do, but they want just as many options. It can’t be both ways. Either we simplify and don’t have very much going on, or we have stuff going on and need help. It’s an extremely hard balance.
With all of that said, my biggest frustration in general is that there’s an attitude of entitlement in today’s church. We live in a culture of “what’s in it for me” and that culture has infiltrated the church. Few people approach church with a focus on God. Most people come wanting to feel something – feel connected, feel inspired by a song, feel good, have their kids have fun, etc… It’s a view on us, not on God.
And even though I do not have kids of my own yet, your thoughts did resonate with me. Because my job is also my ministry (much like a mom), I rarely get to service, I cannot attend women’s bible studies, I have to find volunteers for every special service and most times do not get to attend, if I am in a service or adult class I usually get called out to handle a discipline issue or clean up after a child has been sick. And you’re right, something has to give because I don’t believe that this is what God designed. He calls us to “be still and hear his voice.”
Adwen, I would encourage you to offer help, with the expectation that some people will turn you down. Sometimes I know that my child isn’t going to do well for someone else (if they are in a very clingy stage, if they are getting sick or just getting over something, if they didn’t sleep well that day, etc). So I would feel guilty passing my handful off to someone else. But sometimes, especially with someone I know a little, I’d be happy to accept the offer of help. So don’t be discouraged if your help isn’t accepted all the time — just offering will bless their hearts. Also, if a mom is really frazzled when you talk to her, she may not respond with complete politeness. Don’t take it personally. When you are wrestling a flailing 20-lb child, it’s hard to get words out sometimes!
Morgon77, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. We’ve lost our sense of and our participation in community. I suspect much of this rises from the very independent society we live in.
Kristin, what a fascinating story. Why IS it so much more heroic for a man to take small kids anywhere than it is for a woman? It’s because children is “women’s work” and our society elevates and honors anything men do as greater and more significant than what women do… even when they do exactly the same thing. What a tremendous disrespect to women!
Threelittlemonkeys, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling in this way. I’m glad to read that you had a chance to go to a support group alone, so you could get the support you need.
BigSaps, thank you for sharing your perspective. As I was writing, I was wondering if the situation was really so different in a large church. Not having served in one, I don’t know. I guess your experience illustrates how true it is this isn’t easy to fix. I encourage you to find someone to share the “on-call” part of your work so you can spend one service IN the service. You will burn out otherwise! Thank you for all you do for children.
hi, my name is lena… i was reading your life stories, and its funny how alike we are, or how our situations are alike. i am usually with my 3 kids, in the back of our small church, watching the kids, disciplining, or going into the back room to nurse. so i never get to hear the whole service, i cant even sing the whole hymn, usually i get sidetracked by one of my kids. i keep telling myself that God knows my situation, and He knows my heart, and also that my kids will eventually grow up, and i will eventually be able to hear the whole sermon
I can sooooooo relate to this. In fact, I have contemplated just stopping going to church entirely for a while (weeks, months, years?). It’s just so tiring doing it all by myself (Hubby is usually indisposed due to being the head of the hospitality ministry). One new Christian in our church is in charge of the nursery, which means she misses services at least two Sundays per month because there aren’t enough people willing to help out. The general attitude of the older women in the church seems to be “We did our time raising our own kids; we’re done helping with children’s ministry stuff now. It’s up to the young mothers to do it.” Which, like you said, means the young moms don’t get a chance to worship and be refreshed. I usually come home from church in a worse mood than before I went.
And the kids are usually in pretty bad moods, too.
Precious ones,
I hear so much about self in these comments. First of all, church meetings are to lift up God, to worship and to glorify HIM and secondly then, we are come together to serve/encourage/edify others…be it our own children or other church members. We should never replace a servant’s heart with “me” focus. “Me time” is a lie! Yes, a mother’s job is demanding, but God gives grace. And take it from me, children grow up so fast!!! Enjoy the precious babies you hold in your arms. If someone desires to serve you by taking your baby for a bit, that is fine…but NEVER expect it!!! It is your God given duty.
Also, since your husband is your spiritual leader mandated by God..then he can go over the sermon with you at home, So don’t fret, even if you missed parts of the sermon you can still be taught it by your husband at home. I know many churches make CD copies of the sermons that you could take with you to listen to during the week, after all we are to be meditating on it (the scriptures)all week long.
And about the countless church programs…..they are NOT necessary! We attend a church without all the trappings and it is so refreshing. (And to “Big Saps” the things that draw us to church should NOT be the programs…for that is so ME focused), What should draw us to the church is that God is lifted up and His Word is esteemed and proclaimed. Not programs!
By the way, in our church there is a nursery with speakers and a place to nurse the babies (they even have 1 worker scheduled for each AM service, but they workers are rarely used because the mothers take care of their own babies. They can still listen/worship…just sometimes in another room.
As I read the post and comments here it appears that women/moms are dependent on the church meetings alone for their source of spiritual food, I would submit to you that the church meeting should be only one of many spirituals feedings throughout your week, moms are without excuse when it comes to neglecting their own time in the word, not to mention their husbands who should be leading each night in family worship.BTW, If you practice family worship (singing, Bible teaching and prayer)in your home say 45 min. each night your children will learn to sit better at church.
Precious ladies, Do not grumble and complain or have ” self pity” because God has blessed you with children!! Rejoice, seek God’s strength by His Grace giving thanks in all situations…for this is the will of God!
You will NEVER be given more than you can handle! Remember His grace is sufficient!
Blessings
So far the best solution I have seen in action, was at your sister and brother-in-law’s church in Louisville. All regular attenders (women with grown children, mothers of all older children but still at home – K through high school, mothers of young children including those with infants and toddlers, adult single women, and all the men in these catagories too) took their turn helping in the nursery and toddler rooms. It was part of being in community and was just expected. The big plus for everyone was that they got to “know” the children in the church – again adding to community. And everyone had lots of Sundays when they did get to listen to the whole sermon, sing the whole hymn, and be in a service from start to finish. No one had to feel frustrated by having the infants and toddlers in a service that was just way beyond them to sit still in and appreciate. I recommend you talk to your sister and brother-in-law for more details and to get the bigger picture. There were a lot of neat things about their church in Louisville. Love, Mom
I so agree with the “Anonymous” that began “Precious Ones”. They said what needed to be said, and they said it well. I recommend all moms of young children read it and think on it. Our children are a precious gift and they do grow up ever so fast. Motherhood is a privilege and your time with your children should be treasured. And they can be treasured without giving up your relationship with your heavenly Father and your Lord and Savior. And you can and should be spiritually fed, so that you can live a God honoring, Christ focused life every day. To God be the glory.
And if necessary incorporate the solution I offered from your sister and brother-in-law to one degree or another with the first anonymous entry that begins Precious Ones. I can not stress enough how much valuable insight is given in that “Precious Ones” entry.
Blessings to all you dear parents of young children.
- Mom
I just wanted to concur with BigSaps. I am from a large church as well (about 2000-2500), and there is a general mentality that “this is a big church, there are lots of people to serve, they don’t need me.” We just did a survey of our ministry teams for National Volunteer Week (Canada) and discovered that in our body of over 2000 people, there are roughly 250 who volunteer within the church. More than 3/4 of those are involved in two or more ministry areas.
In response to the “precious ones” comment – yes, you are right. And yet, now matter how very blessed it is to be a mom, the reality is that it is a difficult job. It is not unreasonable to wish for a brief reprieve, or some assistance. No matter what career a person works in (besides motherhood), days off are mandatory. All most mothers hope for is a couple hours to refresh.
Just my two cents…
Blessings on you,
ET
“Precious Ones” anonymous: I want to respond to a couple of things you said.
First, you said “‘Me time’ is a lie.” I have to respectfully disagree with you. In Genesis we learn that God rested on the 7th day. In the Torah, over and over we read God instructing the Israelites to build in time to rest, build in time for the ground to rest, to stop their hard daily toil for one day to focus on worship. In the New Testament, Jesus took time away, alone, even when his disciples argued with Him that He was doing a dis-service to the people who clamored for His help.
It is clear to me from these countless examples that we humans MUST have quiet time away from the craziness of our day-to-day jobs. That includes moms! But as my post, and the many comments to it, points out, we mothers end up bringing our jobs with us to church. And the church is failing us. It is failing to provide even a couple of hours to step away, clear our heads, worship God, fill our hearts with the Word, and then return to our precious children renewed for the week ahead.
Second, your comment seems to discount the value of hearing the preaching of the Word. You seem to think that getting that preaching 2nd or 3rd-hand from someone else or via a CD is just as good. I know from personal experience that this is not true. We NEED to hear God’s Word preached publicly — losing this, especially over an extended period of time, does extensive damage to a person’s faith.
I also know that if we didn’t need to hear God’s Word preached to us in a gathering of believers, the Bible would not emphasize this so much!
Third, your comment assumes many things that only exist in a perfect world. You assume that every mom is married. You assume that every mom is married to a godly man. And you assume that every mom is married to a godly man who is gifted to teach/preach the Word.
Finally, I wish to say that looking at myself and assessing what I need to do for my soul is not sinful or selfish, as you assert. If my soul is starving and weak, I MUST find refreshment in order to be the godly mother to my children that God calls me to be. If my body is starving and weak, I must find food and rest in order to be the godly mother that God calls me to be. Only when my soul is in communion with God, which requires quiet time in the Word, prayer, and the preaching of the Word in a church community, will I be able to teach and guide and bring up my children to also love and commune with God.
To Anonymous “Precious Ones” and “Mom” – I just wanted to say THANK YOU for your encouragement and wisdom. What you say is true because it is God’s perspective and not our own. It made my heart jump for joy to hear it!
~ a young mom
Dear Ladies/Joy,
I would assume that many of you here are younger women. Please consider the words from one who is becoming an older woman and one is a mom…..One who has already walked much of the path…I read ALOT of emotion in your comments/posts. I would love to encourage you to think Biblically and NOT respond with your feelings. We cannot let truth be ruled by our emotions. The bottom line is simple…we do not go to church for ourselves, we go for God and to serve His people Not to be served!!(That is not to say that you will not be served, that IS to say you do not go to church to seek your own! I Cor. 13 says [agape] love does not seek its own! We are to love our brothers and sisters look out for their interests not our own! You seem to mix in several what if senarios as if the scriptures are only sufficient in a “perfect world”….but the truth is always the truth. We fashion the church setting/situation into what we want to be, rather we go with the Scriptures in hand desiring what He wants it to be. We either rightly respond or we don’t!
Yes, I would assume that the husbands are to be the spiritually leader in the home/ to the wife!For that is the Biblical pattern. (Which is true, in your case). I realize that there are unique situations for some women in a fallen world. But that doesn’t apply to you nor does it soften the truth…A husband should be leading and reviewing the sermon with his family and that is a reasonable solution to missing parts of the sermon. Preaching is still preaching even on CD and in a less than ideal situation…that is a reasonable option as well. You are still HEARING the word preached.
Remember, parenting/mothering is a full time job of the family, NOT the church. I am not saying you should never have one on one time with your husband. What I am saying is that the church is not expected to be a baby sitting service…Do you see the difference?
Lastly, I know that having small children is draining I have been there, but still no excuse not to be in the word..there is always time to do the will of God, I read one comment that was shocked that I would suggest 45 min of time in singing , prayer and Bible study a night….but yet people find time to play sports, play instruments, watch tv and movies..etc…Either God’s word is a top priority or the lust of our flesh rule our day..but we can ALWAYS time in our day…The question ishow do we use the time God gives us…. I remember reading on your blog a long time ago that you and your family watch American idol… I but the truth is…if you have time for that (which is 2-3 times a week an hour a night?) but cannot fit Bible study into the schedule then your priorities seem to be out of balance.
…..I repeat…..there is always time to do the will of God!
Lastly, is God’s grace is sufficient or NOT!? It seems the comments and post here seem to declare Biblical truth as unrealistic expectations when you are a mother with small children..etc…it appears that emotions or circumstances are substituted for “truth”.
But God’s word is sufficient in all seasons of life. He never fails us.
Joy – This is a good reminder that those of us without little ones need to be in tune to the moms around us with their hands full.
Joy,
I realize this is an older article, but I just came across it. My family doesn’t ‘do’ traditional church. You are right, the Bible doesn’t specify any of those things and quite frankly, it doesn’t say how often to gather either..just that we should do so often. But if we allow our gathering time to become legalistic..it becomes such a yoke, like an obligation. Instead of out of the abundance of the heart. It’s ok to step back and rest from that. God’s not going to be upset if you don’t go every single time the doors are open. He knows how you feel and even He rests.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Sisterlisa. It is something I continue to think about as we serve in a new church and I watch how much work goes into all the things being done. It’s so much, and I continue to wonder if we’ve made things more complicated than they need to be.
I am so grateful for those who volunteer in the nursery so I can actually listen to the sermon. The notion that allowing a loving woman who loves to hold sweet babies for an hour is “allowing the church to raise my children” is absurd. Also- people who hide behind anonymity can never be taken too seriously.
You have a beautiful, beautiful blog here. I am praying for you,
Holly