That was first thought when I woke up this morning. It’s October. It’s the month.
Last year we had plans every weekend of October — ten-year homecoming reunion at college for me followed by a visit with the in-laws, driving the van to the company putting a rear-entry ramp in and spending a couple nights at a bed & breakfast on our way home, my niece’s birthday party, and Halloween. It was supposed to be the first year that all six of us would dress up and go trick-or-treating together.
Little Boy sampling raw pumpkin last year as we triedto keep a few things “normal” for the kids, like carving pumpkins.
(The first year we had our fourth child, he was recovering from open-heart surgery in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit on Halloween, and I stayed with him. Some good friends from church came to help Scott with the three older ones on trick-or-treat night while I watched Little Boy sleep.)
One of our first photos of “the kids” without Elli, on a family tripwe took after Elli’s funeral. We all needed to get away and just be together.
I had a dream last night that I ran away. I can’t remember what exactly I was running from — I think we were at an event, maybe a wedding, and I just took off across a field covered with a thick blanket of leaves. Maybe that was me running away from this month.
King/Queen/Usurper on the hay-bale pumpkin
When I woke up, I realized two things: (1) you can’t run away from memories, and (2) maybe we will find it a relief to walk through October, 2009. This month will be full of remembering, both happy and sad memories, but it will be worlds better than last October. We have plans to visit some friends, take a long weekend away as a family, go pumpkin and apple picking, and dress up for a neighborhood Halloween party. And I think that we all need to make some new happy memories… to mix in with the tears.
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I couldn't agree more Joy! I think it will be great (even if it is hard) to mix in some new happy memories with the tears of remembering. I will be praying for you all through this month. And I hope to be able to get together with you a couple times at least. Love you for always, Mom
Joy, I will be thinking of you a lot this month.
Praying that you will find time and space to remember and grieve in a way that you need. You are probably right– it may be a relief to have October finally here. Dread of what's coming always leaves me feeling anxious. I'm glad that you have some plans in mind for your family. Take things a minute at a time. HUG.
I recently stumbled across your blog, and even though I don't know you–and most likely will never meet you–I have to say how much your posts touch me. You convey your emotions and everything you feel so well, and I have even cried after reading what you have written.
I, too, am a Christian (though not an Evangelical), and I appreciate your honesty in writing about how life can be very sad at times. Although we have faith in our Savior, that does not mean that we don't struggle on this earth, and I think so many Christians act all "happy" and as if they never deal with pain. And then I wonder where I have gone wrong because I still struggle with sadness and pain despite my faith.
May God bless you.
I used to read a blog written by a mom whose daughter died due to complications of CDH.
She often said that the anticipation of the month of her daughter's death was worse than the actual month.
I'm hoping that you find that and will be thinking about you lots, lots, lots this weekend.
I know there are going to be many "firsts" that come along without your daughter. I remember the first anniversary of the accident. The first Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. They are all so hard. I want you to know I will pray for you and your family, you seem to be a very strong lady. On the day of the year anniversary, we gathered at the cemetary, family and friends, played some of her favorite songs and released pink balloons, to signify "letting her go".