A few weeks ago, a friend challenged me to do two things:
- Approach each day, all day long, with no expectations.
- Accept when my agenda gets changed.
She encouraged me that if I can open my heart and mind to whatever people and circumstances bring to me, instead of focusing on my plans and how they do or don’t fit into my plans, I will lash out in anger and frustration much less frequently.
That made sense to me, so I agreed to try.
But I discovered this week that I was unable to shed all expectations.
This week I realized I had silently expected God to ease me into this new way of approaching the days he gives me.
Instead, I’ve found myself flailing around in 20-foot-swells, trying not to swallow too much brine as I gasp for air and try to keep my head above water more than it’s under.
This week, every single detail that I had carefully and intricately arranged blew up in my face in a flurry of the unexpected. So, instead of slowly working my way up to major overhauls of my personal plans, God has chosen to give me an entire week to overhaul according to his plan.
I must confess it has not been pretty. His plan has included multiple nights of frequently-interrupted sleep, which, during the day, translates for me into a heavy blanket of depression. Carrying that blanket around predisposes me to clench my fists, sob, slam doors, and even to completely shut down, curling up into a ball on the couch in the middle of the day.
I am utterly helpless to accept this with thankfulness, let alone gentleness and quietness.
So, from the middle of the mess, what else can anyone do but ask for help? And, as I confess I can’t do what he’s asking and ask for help, something deep inside me whispers, “This is what God wants from you. He wants you to admit you need his help and ask for it.”
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My dear new sister in the Lord,
I am so excited to add you to my blog list. I only found this blog some 3-4days ago, so I haven't read all your old posts just yet, but I'm sure I'll get around it soon:-)
I am a 26 year old girl, living for God somewhere in England. I also have been recently bereaved, I lost my dad 2 and a half years ago aged 55 to liver cancer and mum died rather unexpectedly January 2009 after having a dreadful stroke, aged 51.
I have read enough of your posts to be deeply encouraged. To hear the struggles of another believer along this road of sorrow and grief. And to see their utter resolution to hold on to the same God I hold on to.
My current feelings resonate with yours today. Somehow in our helpness we have to learn to be content in the Lord. It so goes again every grain we'd normally know.
As I remember my sorrows and my struggles, I will certainly also remember yours and pray for you.
Liz
This is a very Zen Buddhist post
As someone interested in Zen philosophy, I'm continually challenging myself to pay attention to how I react to things, what feelings arise, and so forth. Most importantly, how to let go of the voices of judgment that are there to tear me down no matter what I do.
Buddha said, "A day spent judging another is a painful day. A day spent judging yourself is a painful day. You don't have to believe your judgments: they're simply an old habit."
With each new breath we take, we renew ourselves. Sometimes I stop and breathe just for that reason: to quiet myself, to realize that feelings come and go but I can always center myself in the breath.
BarbD
Liz,
Thank you for visiting, and for commenting! I'm so sorry to read of the loss of your dad and mum. I pray that God will help you find strength and encouragement, even in those days which are still dark and difficult.
Joy
Barb,
I think Buddha got a few things right.
Joy
Every time I feel like I might be able to catch my breath, a new unexpected wave knocks me down. Just know that I am praying for you as I swim along with you in this ocean we call life.