Have you ever said that? I’m pretty sure I did before Elli was born. We didn’t find out whether she was a boy or a girl and we’d say “I’m not hoping for either one, just so long as the baby is healthy.”
What a terrible thing to say.
As if a child who is ill or disfigured or disabled is less valuable, less wantable, less human, less loveable, less yours.
When we found out that Elli’s heart was critically deformed and would need multiple surgeries to correct it, and when she almost died the next morning, I discovered that I didn’t care if she was healthy.
All I wanted was to bring my daughter home. Alive.
…even though that meant we carried an oxygen tank with us everywhere for the first 6 months.
…even though I couldn’t breastfeed her. Instead, I pumped milk and added formula to increase the calories; then poured it into a syringe connected to a slim tube fed into her nose, down her throat, and into her stomach.
…even though she needed 25 different doses of medicine a day to keep her alive.
…even though I didn’t sleep longer than 2 hours at a time for months.
…even though I nearly fell asleep at her weekly therapy sessions… and on the drives home.
Her life had value, no matter what package it came in, no matter how long she lived. She was our daughter, and we loved her no matter what.
Let’s purge the phrase “as long as the baby’s healthy” from our vocabulary. You don’t really mean it anyway.
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Wonderful post. Thank you, Joy.
I've been thinking about that too.
My sister was telling me how her MIL said "I hope MY baby is healthy"
My sister was all upset about it being referred to as her MIL's baby and I kept thinking "well, what if it's not?"
I have one that's not considered normal and it now makes me laugh at the foolishness of that thought.
Before our first was born, we didn't find out gender either. People would ask, we'd say we wanted to be surprised, and they'd kindly smile and say, "Just as long as it's healthy, right?" And it BUGGED us that they said that. Because even though we hadn't yet held our newborn in our arms, we knew deep down that it didn't matter if the baby was "healthy" or not. It was still our baby, and we'd love him or her no matter what.
You are beautiful. Such a great reminder. Such a beautiful and wonderful girl. What a gift. Thank you for sharing.
Truly an amazing perspective. Thanks for sharing that.
Wow, how true is that??! And why do we say stuff like that? We hear it said over & over and it becomes a saying for all generations. Thanks for sharing this and making us all THINK before we speak.
I think people actually mean that they WANT the baby to be healthy. period. For the child's sake. Not that they won't love it regardless… they just hope for the child to have an easy normal life.
I've said used that phrase when pondering the gender of our children. And I was a mother of an ill child, knowing fully that whatever conditions were there… it wouldn't affect our love for that baby.
I think it's totally proper and acceptable to HOPE and express desire for a healthy baby. I mean, someone's either healthy or not healthy, generally, and given the choices and the fact that wishing for some middle ground isn't really an option, I think it's ok to wish for a healthy child.
That being said, it can be easy to phrase it in a cause/effect way like you pointed out, which gives the impression that our excitement over the child might be contingent on its health, and of course, I agree with you that that's filthy wrong.
I just think there's no harm at all in wanting a healthy baby or wishing/hoping for one… as long as our attitude remains "not my will, but Yours be done", we'll be able to live through any unforeseen eventuality, as you have modeled for us. A great reminder nonetheless to watch what we say, especially in front of those who don't respect the sanctity of life as we do.
Funny story, I almost lashed out at the nurse at our OB when she mentioned that we were going to run the multiple marker test, and the "get us our results quickly, so we'd have time to explore 'options' if necessary". My wife gave me the stink-eye before I could open my mouth, though.
Stacy, we certainly hoped for healthy kids too, all four times. I think the wording of the phrase, "I don't care what gender as long as the baby is healthy," could communicate that our love and value of the baby is conditional. As Tom said, those who don't share my value for the sanctity of human life might misunderstand me as someone who would terminate a pregnancy if we learned something was wrong.
Tom, when we learned our youngest had heart defects, they told us they had to offer us the option of terminating the pregnancy. It made me sick to my stomach and teary-eyed all at the same time. It still does, actually. Sometimes I look at the rascal and his impish grin and think about the fact that if he had been conceived in another family, he might not be here now. Breaks my heart into pieces.
What a beautiful testimony to the value of life. I agree…I will never again say that!
I just got chills reading this. We say things so flippantly sometimes. I agree with Stacy and Tom that of course we want our babies healthy, but I can see how it might sting the heart of someone else.
Sometimes we just need someone like you to point these things out so we are more careful with our words. I'm not PC in any sense, but The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt someone or give the impression any child isn't loveable or desired.
Loved this post. After experiencing both – amazingly in the same birth with one twin deathly ill and the other healthy, I certainly can agree that your heart immediately loves and treasures that little sick one. Praise God for all little lives – in whatever shape they come.
Well, unfortunately, I think some people (many people) DO mean it. When my daughter was born and they told us she had Down syndrome, I certainly had to admit, shamefaced, writhingly shamefully, that I didn't WANT to have a child who wasn't "healthy." Fortunately, God knows better what we need than we do!
Oh my goodness, I have said that phrase this very week. I hadn't really thought about it before. I am a special needs teacher, and while I so hope my unborn child is healthy, I know that we will love it WHOEVER it is, regardless. Fab post.
Great post. I had never thought of it that way before.