“It’s hard to find a good man these days.”
I hear that a lot. I have many single woman friends who are discouraged about the lack of even distant possibilities. And I read more and more about boys remaining in “adolescence” into their late twenties or even thirties. I’m sure many factors play into this, but I suspect that much of it has to do with the goals, or lack thereof, of parents.
Not that long ago, boys had to be ready to support themselves at age 14 and 15. Everyone knew this and everyone prepared their children for it. I don’t see any reason why we should have similar goals even if they don’t physically move out until they are 18.
God blessed us with two sons, and we’ve made a personal mission to raise them into good men. They are young, so we can’t claim any success. We’re trying very hard to be deliberate and pro-active in our parenting, instead of drifting from one episode to another. I pray that we don’t look back when our kids are grown and realize that we’ve totally missed the boat.
Our efforts fall into three main categories (and they apply to our daughter as well, except the “be a gentleman part!):
1. We are trying to teach our boys to be gentlemen. This means many things, like holding doors, lending a helping hand, telling the truth, doing the right thing even when others are not, speaking encouraging words, and adjusting your performance to others who are less skilled so they don’t give up.
This last one is really tough for my competitive boy — he keeps saying, “But Mom! It’s a race. I’m supposed to go my fastest!”
To which I reply, “Do you want your sister to keep racing with you?”
“Yes,” he grumbles.
“Then you have to slow down. If she always loses, she will give up. Mom and Dad do this with you, you know. We purposely lose games and races with you so you’ll enjoy playing.”
That gave him some food for thought!
2. We are try to teach them to work hard. We give them allowances so they can practice saving and spending, and we show them how much things cost. Big Boy has been quite shocked at how much a school lunch or a doctor’s visit costs, now that he knows how much allowance he gets every month.
We encourage doing extra jobs to earn money. Big Boy took his first job caring for a neighbor’s dog while they were out of town a few months ago. He was so proud of the money he earned!
We also expect certain things from them that we do not “pay” them to do. “This is part of living together in a family,” I told our son when he asked for extra allowance for making his bed and putting dirty dishes in the sink. “I don’t pay you to do those things.”
3. We are trying to teach them how to keep house. We are working with them to learn practical life skills such as how to cook, wash and put away dishes, do laundry, vacuum and sweep, clean bathrooms, and make up beds. Not only do I refuse to be the mom who follows her sons to college to do their laundry and dishes, but I know what a blessing these skills will be to their future wives.
I’d love more ideas, suggestions, and especially success stories from those of you who have grown boys. What are you doing with your kids, both girls and boys, to prepare them to be good, responsible men and women when they grow up?
Your list looks a lot like ours would if we wrote it down. We are also working a lot on trying to help them be sensitive to spiritual things, which overlaps with a lot of the other goals. One book that I've found enormously helpful is called "Children Who Do Too Little" by Patricia Sprinkle. It's a companion book to "Women Who Do Too Much." The … See Morebook about kids has a lot of tips about how to make child-training work for your own family. It's specifically about training them to take care of themselves and the house, but I find it helpful in nearly all areas of parenting. It's not a "if you do x, you will have perfect kids who are responsible adults" kind of book, which is refreshing.
I'm not sure what to make of the idea of letting others win. I've never done it – not even with my daughter. I'm sure it would make her feel good, but nothing compared to how good she feels when she really beats me. And as she gets older, she does, especially at things she loves. It's overstating it to call it lying, but it does create a false expectation for how things work in the "real world."
Dave, I really wrestle with that. It probably depends on the child. My son is very easily discouraged, so we've had to work at keeping him motivated to keep trying. He seems to need incremental achievable goals. With our other kids, we may completely change our approach. Definitely something we're feeling our way in.
Totally agree that it depends on the child. There's no manual for this. If Erin were the type to give up easily, I might do things differently with her. Repeated losses with a healthy dose of encouragement pushed her to excel at things she loves, but probably made her gave up a few things along the way.
One thing we've done is volunteer at a place that takes backpack lunches to underprivileged schools on Fridays so they have food on the weekends. We signed up because they told us we could all go (boys included) to give the bags to the kids. Now we have yet to DO that (apparently they have a lot of volunteers), but we've gone down and worked in the warehouse. I'm excited to get placed on the rotation because the BIGGEST thing we want is for our kids to love God and love others in a real and tangible way. Children have such OPEN hearts and we want to maximize that and get into the habit while they're young…. this is also partly why we're taking them with us to Africa when we go, Lord willing.
The other thing is calling adults by Mr. & Mrs. I know it seems weird to be called that myself, but IMO it's a respect thing. I RARELY hear any child call an adult by their formal name, it's either just their first name or "Miss So and So". I think it's not necessarily a good thing because children need to learn to respect adults and see them as something THEY are NOT. Now I'm not overly strict on it, because teachers (Sunday School, AWANA, MOPS, etc.) all call themselves Mr. First Name / Miss First Name, and that's fine. But for their friends' parents and our friends, it's Mr. & Mrs.
I'm reading one of Dr. Laura's books, and she says that one of the differences between merely being 'male' and being a 'man' is the ability to provide financially for your family without expecting/needing your wife to devote herself to full-time work, too. It's a controversial perspective to be sure, but she feels that women are being short-changed by the societal mindset that making a home for your husband and children full-time is worthless or worth little and that your value as a woman is wrapped up in how much money you bring home and contribute to the family budget.
Good for Laura (and you, too, Megan). It's only controversial because the culture has changed and caters to lazy men who want to be mothered.
I have known "men" who have been very adamant that their wives are going to work, too, and contribute to the family because it's "only fair." I suppose that the feminist movement sort of brought this on women, though. Fighting for equality means that now it's expected that we "earn our keep" and that caring for the family is of little value.
I would strongly encourage his involvement in home and car repairs or construction projects with Scott, one on one, father to son. At high age, electrical and power tools are out but painting and assisting with maintenance would work well.
I realize there are a lot of pros and cons to the "let them win" idea, but I think that teaching Sam that his sister won't want to play if she always loses is wise. My brother and I had friends who were very good at sports, and they didn't have a lot of interests other than sports. As time went on, they were less and less fun to play with. We took them ice skating one time, and because they didn't get the hang of it right away, they never tried again. That bothered me a lot because we always did stuff with them that we weren't good at. Eventually they did try to find some things to do with us that we didn't totally stink at when they realized it was an issue, but it was still often a very lopsided affair, and it was kind of embarassing to have them always dumbing things down for us.
A similar thing happened in gym class in high school. Our teachers introduced some sports that were unfamiliar to our area (like field hockey and soccer). The athletic kids really hated it and WHINED when they suddenly had classmates who turned out to be better at a sport than they were.
Kids need to experience both sides of the coin and realize why that's the case.
Teach them to cook, sew, do laundry, iron, etc. I know you said basic housekeeping skills will be a blessing to future wives, but don't assume they'll have one right away (if ever). Self-sufficiency is invaluable.
You might want to clear up in both of your minds just what manliness is. Not masculinity, but manliness. You may need to prudently look outside of contemporary 'mercan Christianity. Perhaps Iron John Bly misses the mark, but he is a darn sight closer than many in the church. How about "Manliness" by Harvey Mansfield?
Consider also, that you as a woman need not prove your competence in front of your sons to be fulfilled as a woman. Ask them to do things for you that you could do for yourself and let them feel the satisfaction of helping a woman. Once they grow to like that it takes on a life of its own. teach them to defend their sister or girls at school. They see somebody picking on a girl tell them its okay to intervene – and even slug the bully if necessary. Yeah I mean it.
Joy- just skimmed, haven't read but I know can apply it to my own life