Remembering Is Exhausting

Remembering is exhausting… and so is grieving.

I noticed this in October, the one-year anniversary of our loss of Ellie. The whole month was weighed down by a thick heavy blanket. It hinders vision, movement, and joy. I had the foresight to take time off from work, to allow myself the extra time needed to wrestle with that blanket each day.

What I didn’t plan for was the return of this blanket in February. Nor did I consider how the dark cold snowy winter would pull at my spirit. Perhaps its real name is S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder), perhaps it is depression, perhaps this is a normal part of grieving… or maybe a combination. Whatever it is, it has been debilitating. (Yes, I’m seeing someone about it.) It isn’t easily overcome.

I thank God for my husband, children, family, and friends. Without their smiles, silly antics, notes of encouragement, understanding of my failures, and invitations to get out and socialize, I would have tried to run away and hide in the numbness of sleep.

We turn the calendar page tomorrow. My prayer is that as this winter’s blanket of snow fades, so will my blanket of grief.