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An Epic Poop Story

Since my writing time is short in light of the potty-training currently under way, I’m sharing the following epic poop story from my November 2007 archives. Don’t laugh TOO hard – poop karma will get you. (And when it does, you better share your story!)

It was a warmish fall day, so I took the three youngest kids to a park to play. The city had replaced the old playset, swingset, and wood mulch with concrete sidewalk, brand new playset, and recycled rubber mulch. Unfortunately, this park has only a portable toilet — no running water of any sort and no changing table.

I like to think I’m an experienced mother. I’ve had four babies, been changing diapers and feeding kids and cleaning messes and washing clothes for 7 1/2 years now. I’ve had more than the usual motherhood experiences too, since I have two kids with medical needs. Especially when it comes to diapers and their contents, I’ve seen it all.

At least, I thought I had. Until this day.

While the older two kids played, I gave Little Boy a bottle. I normally breast-feed, but a dad was there with his kids, and I didn’t have my super-large-but-lightweight blanket to cover up with. At one point, he (Little Boy, not the dad) grunted, and I heard minor rumbling.

You’ve heard the time “silent but deadly?” Yeah… my mommy brain forgot.

Until I turned him around to burp him and felt a wet spot on his back.

I pressed it. It. Squished.

He had defied gravity and pooped up. An astonishing quantity of mustard-yellow poop spread all the way up to between his shoulder blades. How do babies this small generate that much of the stuff every two hours?

Oh, I nearly forgot. He was wearing a onesie that only comes off over the head.

Now I’ve seen poop go up before. But I don’t remember being away from home or having little 6×8-inch semi-transparent wet wipes available for the clean-up. This was a hose-him-off-in-the-tub kind of mess. And the onesie issue was the biggest challenge of all. I really didn’t want to smear poop over his head, face, hands, or all over me during the removal.

Holding him far out in front of me, I made for the van. Somehow, while holding him away from me, I laid out all my supplies like a surgeon prepping for a procedure.

  • Change of clothes. Check.
  • Clean diaper. Check.
  • Wipes, with several pulled out already. Check.
  • Spit-up cloth laid out as a changing pad. Check.
  • Plastic bag for the mess. Check.

My first plan of attack: attempt to reduce the amount of poop on his person before attempting onesie removal. I removed the diaper, scooping as much poop from his bottom with it as I could before dropping it on the parking lot. Next, I cleaned the diaper region thoroughly and wiped as much off as much poop as I could from above that region before putting a clean diaper on.

Then, I sat him up. He was still quite floppy when sitting up, so I draped him over one arm while, with one hand, I tried to roll up the onesie, thereby containing the poop within its folds. I rolled it up an inch at a time, wiping as I went. He got quite upset because he was suddenly cold. I struggled to hold onto the slippery angry wiggler.

Oh, and yes, I had poop all over my hands.

Despite my best efforts, the mess was so great that I still ended up smearing poop up his back, into his hair, and onto both arms as I slid the rolled-up onesie over his head. It took at least 7 more wipes to get us both clean enough to redress him.
I poured the entire contents of my hand sanitizer bottle on my hands once the disposable mess was deposited in a trash can and the washable mess stowed in a plastic bag.

Little did I know, that was not the end of it.

Disaster-Boy would have gotten a bath as soon as we got home, but I had to put his older siblings down for a nap, scrub myself from fingers to armpits, and soak the yellow-stained clothes in a vain attempt to prevent staining. By that time, it was feeding time again.

And what do you know? He pulled the exact same stunt again: shot poop up his diaper, onto my jeans, and onto the floor.

He didn’t get a real bath until that night, in case he had more tricks up his diaper.

What’s your best poop story?

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Comments

  1. Michele says:

    My little girl had a fountain poop in the middle of the night on her first week out of the womb. It was the middle of the night. It sprayed up into my eyes and fountained onto the carpet, my feet, her bedding. It was gross.

  2. Tammy P. says:

    Joy,

    One question, is the same one currently being potty trained?? ;)
    Great story!!

  3. Tammy, what an insightful woman you are. :)

  4. walkingwithangels says:

    I have many poop stories, also ones involving my daughter who with special needs felt the need to hand me the contents of her nappy while we out shopping. Bless this child. I must admit I love moments like this as they create wonderful memories.

  5. I remember changing a diaper once and thinking where in the world did this much poop even COME from? There's no way there could have been that much poop inside her. I thought I had it all cleaned up, and then I looked down and there was poop all over my shirt and shorts. I just threw my clothes away!

  6. Kristin says:

    I remember that story.

    My story would have around the same time as LB and Shannon (can't believe they are going to be 3) are approximately the same age.

    Shannon is about 2-3 months old and she poops up her back to her hair line. This is beyond a wipeable disaster.

    Bob and I were sitting watching the big two at swimming lessons. I had been holding her and my shirt is now spotted as well.

    I decide to strip her down at the Y. Carry her into the locker room and hold her back into the shower, drenching myself in the process.

    She's now clean but ticked and I'm now soaked but still with a huge spot on my shirt.

    I get back to the bleachers and decide that I'm simply going to nurse here there. I desperately needed something to cover up the spot and the baby was the only thing that could do it.

  7. Yellow, watery diarrhea with an incredibly gross stench that no diaper could hold. Running down the legs like a river and puddling on the floor. Boy #1 had bouts of this several times when he was one–each bout had multiple episodes.

    On a lighter note, when he was tiny, he would poop easier and faster if we placed him on his back and lightly held his legs bent so that he could push. The result would start out one color/texture and then change, so we always knew whether he was finished or had some more to work out.

    And, of course, we've seen all kinds of undigested stuff come out looking just the way it did when it went in, such as raisins, peas, black beans. And all these experiences happened mostly with cloth diapers, which made it all the more fun to clean up!

  8. Michele, a nurse told me that newborns do that kind of stuff (including girls making fountain pee) because that waxy vernix stuff they are covered in sometimes makes its way into their bodily openings, and it makes everything spray on its way out. Obviously boys do it anyway, but thankfully that's fairly short-lived too.

  9. This morning, one wipe (THE ONLY WIPE LEFT) could not prevail against the poop. Ended up putting him in the kitchen sink, YUCKO.

  10. Kristin, genius idea of covering the stain with the baby. No-one would ever notice!

    WalkingWithAngels, I have quite a few fun poop stories with my special-needs daughter too… diarrhea in a wheelchair adds a whole new level of complexity to cleanup.

    Kelly, wow. Just wow.

    Jason, so glad to hear a dad weight in. We used to measure the severity of a diaper by how many wipes it took to clean it up.

  11. My twins used to have a "poop party" at naptime almost every day for 8 months. They would "paint" with it…walls, crib bars, hair,body,…sometimes more than once a day. Eww!

  12. Melinda says:

    That's a doozy. ;0)

    My best poop story was when my then 10-mo. son had a complete poop blow out on the way to get his and his then-3-year-old sister's Christmas photos taken. The amount of poop was so great that I used all my baby wipes. I went to the bathroom. No paper towels. Just hand-dryers. So I'm using toilet paper to try to clean him up and make him presentable for a photo. Then he threw up. Sigh.

    I did manage — after a super-human effort — to get the photo taken, though. And you'd never know all the trauma that preceded it.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Bryson was a once a week pooper as a baby. We had taken him to the doctor, and was told this was normal for some babies. About once a week he would poop, and it would go everywhere.
    On this one occasion my extended family had gone to Gaddi's Pizza in New Boston to eat. My dad volunteered to change Bryson's diaper in his truck. He returned after a few minutes to say that he was going to need help. We had to completely strip Bryson naked. My mom held him up because he was too disgusting to lay down anywhere, and my dad and I practically went through an entire new bag of wipes trying to clean up all the poop. This all occured in a very public parking lot. It would have been indecent except Bryson was covered from neck to toes in poop. I don't know if the tears my parents and I shed were more from the gagging or the laughing.
    Bryson also spit up five or six times after every feeding. He was just a really messy baby.

    Trish

  14. Lundvall Family Editors says:

    Better late than never..

    We had taken our oldest to Boston and Fenway Park to see a Red Sox game. He was about 3.5 months old. I was sitting under the outfield seats watching the game on the monitors to get a break from the June heat. I was holding him facing out when I thought he tooted. Or so I thought – I smelled something and felt wet.

    Here I prepared with this massive diaper bag with multiple changes of baby clothes and tons of wipes – but I had nothing for me. Since we were traveling I had a ton of choices out in the car but that whole "No Re-Entry" thing persuaded me to not even ask.

    After calling DH I took baby and hosed him down in the sink of the private family bathroom – changing him and making him smell much better. I safely depositing all his dirty clothes in the wet bag of said awesome packed diaper bag.

    Good thing the bathroom was private and it was hot that day – because I proceeded to undress completely and rinse out and hand soap my tee shirt and shorts until they smelled better. I did walk around wet for an hour or so. Lesson Learned: Awesome packed oversized diaper bag is not complete unless one takes a spare change of clothes for oneself.

  15. Babies are just so talented, aren’t they? Yeah, you’ve never really cleaned up poop until you’ve had to clean it out from behind their ears…
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