ThetaMom is host
ing a blog celebration this week, in which she asked her readers to share what makes them a Theta Mom, a The True, Authentic Mom. “Theta Moms are authentic because we live authentic lives. Life isn’t perfect and neither are our kids.” This is my contribution.
Since I first learned to put letters together into words, writing has given me freedom to be my most real “me.” For some reason, speaking the total blood-honest truth is almost impossible. But writing it… that I can do.
See, conversation is always impromtu, and I am clumsy. I trip over and fumble words, jumble my thoughts together, stop short for fear of saying the wrong thing, or blurt too harsh or completely thoughtless. Then I lay, staring into the dark, wincing again at how boorish or furtive I was that day.
Putting pen to paper, or keys to screen, allows me to pour out my soul one word at a time. Then, I edit until the words waltz and harmonize (at least, I get closer to that ideal). Writing gives me confidence to lay down my “Everything is Fine” false front and be genuine: depressed, sad, silly, confused, angry, sarcastic, hopeful, tired, crazy, thoughtful, hurt. This mom is all of those things every day.
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Oh I need to get me some kleenex. You are a very strong woman, a Theta Mom for sure. Thank you for sharing your journey in this motherhood and for baring your story. May our Lord bless you, you have a beautiful little angel up there!
I have tears running down my face right now – I can't believe the amount of emotion, sincerity and AUTHENTICITY in this post. I can't even imagine losing a child -
"Reading and talking with others gave me courage to start asking questions and talking about some doubts out loud. And, slowly, I have begun writing about them." I think THAT was the defining the moment for you.
Thank you for your raw honesty and courage to publish a post so personal and profound – and one that will resonate with so many – and one that may help tons of readers in the process.
You are amazing.
I have several comments and a question, so I will number them.
1. I bet Big Girl says "Mom, you're wearing a dress/skirt today" with her mouth open just like my Ellie does. This occurs on the rare moment in which I have no other clothes clean and I've got to get to work
2. that was real. I am honored to know you in blog land and more honored to know you in real life. I did attempt to take 4 kids to the fireworks (but left when a torential down pour started including lightening). I've stood awe inspired by your actions many a time so I figure you should have a chance to stand awe inspired by me for once.
3. How do you reconcile all of your differneces etc. meds for depression, working PT… with your brand of Chrisitanity? It's something I was unable to do.
Let me know. You can always email me
This was a beautiful and poignant post. I look forward to reading more from you.
Wow, Joy, I loved it. Especially what you had to say about Christianity being messy. As someone who suffers from Depression too, I think the view that many churches take on it is a diservice to something that is not a faith problem but a medical problem…
Also, as someone married to a Catholic… teaching that Catholics belong to an an evil cult is a diservice to our fellow Christians who also believe in the saving grace of Jesus…
And as for Fox News… give me NPR any day.
Love you.
Joy thanks for sharing this powerful testimony. Thanks for stopping over at my virtual casa, I'm a follower! Hope to speak to you again soon.
I really began writing to discipline my voice, hone my skill and give this web writing an honest shot (I don't only blog informally- but I'm trying to write professionally as well). What I really love about blogging is the support community and connecting with other writers from all over the world- I wasn't really expecting that part.
I would encourage you to continue writing- in a way I feel like what you have here is also ministry. We have something in common, I am way TOO harsh on myself in social settings- but the truth is I'm more charming on paper! Understanding and embracing what makes you uniquely Joy is half the battle- I'm looking forward to perusing through more posts!
All I can say is wow. You are a true Theta Mom and such an inspiration. Your faith is so admirable and your post so pure. Thanks for sharing.
I have never read your blog, but am so glad I found it today. Reading you describe yourself; I felt as though you were describing a part of me as well. The part about yourself as a Christian woman and what that means to you… I wrote a post about that a few months ago as well. You are a Theta mom! And it's exciting to "meet" someone like you.
I actually vacillate between hope and fear everyday just like I vacillate between Conservative talk radio and NPR everyday. Great post Joy. Gone are the days of pretending, putting on a show, and projecting that everything is fine…..REALITY is here and it HAS to be here if we're really going to live this Gospel everyday.
Wow, Joy…keep writing girl! You have an amazing way of putting your reality into words, and every time I read something you've written, my heart feels raw and opened again. I love how you question things instead of following blindly, and I agree with you on so many things…even though I do get my daily news from Fox!
I hope God takes your message far and wide…Bless you!
That was a very moving post. Thank you so much for sharing and keep writing!!!
I already loved you … but now, I love you even more! And YES for messy Christianity!!
Messy faith … messy lives. For me, it's the mess, the constant yearning to grasp what is unseen, the insatiable desire to recognize truth in any form, and to relentlessly pursue a light that burns bright in the deepest darkness … that's what my messy Christianity looks like.
It's not about the "big" issues like working or not, homeschooling or not, makeup wearing or not – it's about those little things … choosing to listen when I want to shout, hugging when I want to strangle, loving when it's easier to hate, and falling down before a holy God when my life such a messy wreck and trusting Him to change me – whether He changes anything around me or now.
Beautiful, my friend, absolutely beautiful.
What an amazing post. You clearly are authentic and I thank you!!!
I always love to meet Christians who don't have their heads stuck up their asses (forgive my language, but I'm only quasi-Christian sometimes). My ex husband was like that. He was one of the strongest and realest Christian men I knew (besides for my father).
Oh, and thanks for the comment love! Pop back over anytime… and check out my contest!
This was really amazing. Wow you sound like an incredibly strong mother & individual. I'm so happy to have read this & I look forward to reading more! I feel like I could learn so much from you.
Beautiful as you are.
I remember hearing the author, Lisa Samson say that once – she writes so that people won't feel so alone. And I'm so thankful you're writing. Even though our lives are so different, I feel I've found a friend in you, someone to look up to. And you're a damn fine writer. xo
Faith is messy. I love your heart and openness. I write for many of the same reason–others struggling with a faith community that abandoned them, guilt, to work through my journey by connecting the pieces of the puzzle. Blessing fellow Christ follower.
You know I have shared a journey just like you. I have also felt the bereaved looks from my late daughters friends parents. I felt that they thought I was contagious. I miss my daughter so much and hate the normal feeling. I can leave my house in 5 minutes not the old 15 which involved wheelchair clamps. Nappies etc etc. My faith is like a bud that has just started to open and I love my God with my heart but I am not what most would sterotype as a Christian with my jeans, hippy ways and tattoos. I'm also the worst housecleaner to ( blessed with a hubby who is). I think God loves our differences we all have different talents. I know he gave me a heart for chlldren with severe healths needs hence the reason after Livvys death I have found the courage to foster. Even now coping with the second lost of my foster son I know I will do it again. I am finally learning to love who I am after all God designed me and he doesn't make mistakes xxx
I love you, plain and simple.
xo
Elizabeth Esther
Full of grace, love, and peace…blessings
I feel like even though I just "met" you that I've known you for years. Thank you for your honesty and transparency…you are an inspiration and I look forward to discovering more of you as you continue to discover more of Him. Blessings upon you…
Hillary
Wow. This is the first time I've read your blog. And it definitely won't be the last. Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.
1,002 reasons why I love this post. You are amazing. Thank you for being brave. You help people more than you could possibly know. This reader very much included.
Much, Much love.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I cannot imagine what it's like to be in your shoes.
I do have a child w/Down syndrome. While she is in great health now, she had open heart surgery as a baby. My emotions were all over the place, and I wrote a ton on Caring Bridge. I realized last year that I just bared it all and felt the need to close down the site while I decide what to do. I probably made some people uncomfy, and I know now that some of my "friends" pulled back from me because they thought I was looking for attention. I wasn't. I was just trying to process.
And I know what you mean about being annoyed when other parents complain about things like soccer practice, etc. I have found myself wanting to say "who cares? Is that REALLY the biggest concern in your day? Really?"
Anyway…thank you for sharing and being authentic.
Oh, and I can relate to the depression part too. I can openly say that I have been on antidepressants for about 8 years, and I am a Christian. If I had diabetes, I would take insulin. I have depression that can be debilitating, and so I do what I need to do to attend to it. If I have to take the meds till the day I die, I don't care. I am totally fine with that. I have a busy life, my kids and my hubby need me, and if I need medicinal help to keep my brain's chemicals firing correctly, so be it.
So hang in there, sista!
This post was incredible…and you are helping so many other women by baring your soul and writing it. I cannot even fathom what you must be going through after losing your daughter. I don't understand why kids have to get sick.
What a brave account. I cannot imagine the pain.
WOW. This was a beautiful and touching post. Thank you so much for sharing with us. God bless you.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Beautiful post. Truly. I'm so sorry for your loss, but it seems as if your daughter's purpose on Earth is far from over. Through you, she continues to educate others about compassion and understanding and realizing that the trivial things are just that–trivial.
I, too, was raised in a church where depression was a sin problem. When I told my mother I was depressed in high school, her response was that I needed to pray more. I was crushed. She has since come to see that perhaps her reaction was the wrong one, but it took years and her own doctor saying "I think you need an anti-depressant" before she realized what she'd said.
I wish there were no shame in depression and that it were more widely understood. I wish that people understood that you can't just "snap out of it."
Thanks for doing what you do!
Wow!! Just wow!! What an amazing journey you have lived! Stories like yours (and mine) make me so incredibly grateful that God meets us where WE are, not where the standards or expectations are! And you are so right – we write because there ARE other folks like us out there. We write because we need to heal. We write because we can help someone else heal. Bless you for sharing your story!
This is an absolutely beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it. I too can write about anything but conversation is often awkward for me. I get better at it the better I get to know a person, but I'd still rather write it down.
You are beautiful. I am glad I stopped by this blog today.
There is beauty in this, and a feast for the spirit. I will have to process this for a long time before I can fully appreciate it. You have reminded me why I write.
Thank you, Thank You, *Thank You* for this outstandingly articulated post.
I just found your blog and am thrilled to add this to my bookmarks.
As an NPR supporter and Guinness (or pinot noir) lover I had some difficulty keeping some "Christian" friendships past the casual acquaintance level. But, I believe you speak to the heart of many Real Women, as seen by the number of comments!
I write because I am led to write, and it sounds like you are, too. I write because, as you say, there are people who have experienced the same or similar difficulties and therefore I have matters to share and things to learn, people to help and friends to find who can help me. I write because I was given the ability to put words together in a coherent sentence and paragraph and text and maybe even occasionally tuck a message away within those parameters. I write because I don't know how not to write. Tell me it is not so with you!
(I am so sorry you lost your child. We have come close many times with many children — three children and two grandchildren with serious birth defects — but we have been spared the ultimate burden. It is *not* easier losing a complicated child. It is easier dealing with the complications. When one has a seriously disabled, ill child, one shares in the pain of parents in similar situations, sitting side by side in hospitals and at clinics. No one pain is easier than another; no one handicap is "better" than another. But losing a child, in my observation of many parents who have fought alongside me for their children and lost that fight, is devastating. God bless you for your honesty in sharing, and may He balm to your pain.)
Good for you! Yes, talk about it! Write about it! I LOVE what you've said here.
When you said that talking about your daughter is like pulling the pin and tossing the grenade into the conversation, I was nodding my head so hard I thought it would fall off. I have some situations in my life that can be described exactly like that, and I appreciate how you've talked about it, but also the struggle itself.
Thank you for sharing and being authentic!!!
This is a wonderful post, and I wanted to let you know it is this week's BlogHer Voice of the Week:
http://www.blogher.com/blogher-voice-week-joy-journey
Thanks for sharing your story with so much heart and vulnerability.
Elisa Camahort Page, BlogHer
for Elisa, Jory and Isa, BlogHer co-founders
You are a brave soul. This can be an amazing place, and our blogs can be incredible resevoirs for all that we are, and to share our vulnerabilities and experiences. While I cannot begin to understand the pain and suffering you have felt through your own journey, I can completely relate to the idea of a blog being an outlet. I'm of self exploration, and through my blogd I try hard to share myself with honesty.
Reading and talking through blogging can be a powerful thing. I'm amazed by it every day.
Wonderful, honest post.
This is such an inspiring and honest post. Found you via BlogHer, and what a fine choice they made in selecting yours as the "Voice of the Week"!
Thank you for writing this. The part that put into words what I have felt but been unable to say is the part about writing so others know they are not alone in what they are going through – that they aren't the only ones. Thank you for giving such an eloquent voice to that feeling.
I am so glad I found you through Theta Mom – and Congrats on the recognition from her for this beautiful and authentic post.
Cate
Absolutely beautiful and heart wrenching post! I am so inspired by your ability to share something that I can only imagine to be the most immense pain fathomable. So glad I found this post through Theta Mom – and congrats on the recognition – truly well deserved!
Heather was right. You definitely deserved to win the Theta Mom contest. This post was so full of raw emotion and "realness." I can only imagine how different life must be for you after having lost a child, but talking about those feelings and making it not-so-taboo is really a blessing to a lot of women. There is no doubt in my mind about that.
You and your words are powerful, raw and true. Authentic. Your ability to share your story–ALL of it–inspires and lightens the load of all.
Your little girl would be so proud. I'm sure she is.
Thank you for this.
I am a special needs mom, too. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you still experience.
Joy, thanks for being real and authentic. I am a Christian also — and I DO watch Fox News and vote Republican, but I've honestly never fit comfortably into "that box." I definitely don't have it all figured out and got exhausted years ago from trying to maintain that image. I'm thankful that we serve a God of grace who is not afraid of our questions — who doesn't hold us to an impossible standard. Who welcomes us coming to Him with all our messy emotions.
Congratulations on winning the Theta Mom contest!
Wow. Just visiting for the first time this morning from Thetamom (congrats!) and I am blown away. Such a beautifully written post, full of raw emotion and gut-wrenching truths….thank you for sharing and showing us what you are all about.
A.MA.ZING…
congratulations on your award. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. Please know that you are not alone in your emotions- though I may not have experienced depression, it is very real and know that God loves you through. May the Lord continue to bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you.
thanks for sharing your heart. wow. just amazing. and the fact that you're baring it all to support others is awesome.
amazing. God bless.
On behalf of all families who visit a cemetary marker with our child's name carved in granite…I say thank you. My Emma had special needs, a terminal illness. She would have turned nine yesterday. It was a joy and honor to be her mother but their has been so much darkenss over the past years since she left. Thank you, thank you for writing this. Amazing and beautiful.
I blogged anonymously about something happening with one of the kids; and I couldn't believe the amount of supportive, helpful comments I received. It's put me in touch with so many others in a similar situation, and these people have given me much-needed perspective and advice. Blogging is invaluable!