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I’m Afraid of God: on Sacrifice, Pain, and the Sovereignty of God

Have you ever been afraid of God? I have.

I am afraid of God.

I live my faith-life in Calvinist circles, where they (we?) believe in what they call the sovereignty of God. They believe that unless God has His hand in every single thing that happens, He cannot be God. Many of them take great comfort in the knowing that everything that happens in their life, the good, the painful, and the evil, is “God-ordained” – allowed by Him.

But it isn’t comforting to me.

Because….

If God really will do anything to make his name great (the phrase repeated over and over in the Bible is “for the sake of my name”)…

and…

if God really is in control of every single thing that happens…

that freaks me out.

It means that God allowed the disabilities and deformities and malfunctions of my daughter’s body and allowed her to suffer and die young.

It means God allowed the issues my son faces today.

It means that God could allow him to die young too.

I’m afraid that I will have to bury more of my children.

I expect adults to die. I expect to outlive my husband. On both our sides of the family women far outlive men.

I don’t expect children to die. I don’t want to believe that God asks that of me.

Some of you will say that it doesn’t matter whether I believe it or not – my believing or denying won’t change the truth. That’s when I feel like a trantruming toddler. I stomp my foot and say, “You can’t prove it, and you can’t make me.” Real mature, I know.

This weekend at the Relevant Conference Ann Voskamp challenged us to reject the lure of fame. She called on us to share our stories for the purpose of encouraging one another and making God known, not for the purpose of increasing our platform or making ourselves known.

She said some very hard things. She said that we don’t blog on a platform, we blog on an altar, and God asks us to sacrifice everything for Him on that altar.

It’s easy to nod your head and say “amen” when you’ve never done it, when you don’t know how agonizing it will be.

I know. I’ve been stuck on that altar for eleven and a half years. It is wretched. Sometimes I’m not a willing sacrifice. Sometimes I’m angry and bitter. Sometimes I’m afraid. Lately, I want to know if it is enough. Have I given enough? Please?

But I listen to Ann, because she knows, too. She has lived it. She lives it still. If you’ve read her book, you know that she has faced soul-scalding pain. Yet she can proclaim to the world that God is good and that God redeems that pain and makes beauty of it.

I wish I could do that. Right now, all I can manage is a ragged gasped-out prayer for help to love God enough that I can be willing to give everything. I cling to the hope that God will redeem our pain, and that behind all the suffering is a God who loves.

Where do you find comfort when you suffer? How do you respond to the teaching of the sovereignty of God?

Today I’m counting gifts #546-550 from the weekend with friends, and especially for the challenge from Ann. Linking to her Multitudes on Mondays post.

P.S. Don’t forget to share your latest life: unmasked post at the link-up here every Wednesday.

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What Do You Mean, “Be Biblical”?

Every once in awhile I realize that I use a word I don’t know the meaning of – like grace or gospel. It usually when one of my kids asks me what it means and I find myself tongue-tied. When I ask around, I discover that no-one else knows what it means either. Yet we toss these words around like we all get it.

The word “biblical” is one of these. I read books and hear preachers and teachers throw around that word and the twin underlying assumptions that we are all supposed to be biblical and that we all know what that looks like.

'biblical semantic logic, of course' photo (c) 2010, romana klee - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

But we don’t.

As I have grappled with questions about God and the Bible, I have learned what a confusing word “biblical” is. It could mean many different things:

  • of or pertaining to the Bible
  • found in the Bible
  • specifically taught by the Bible
  • specifically taught by a certain denomination or a pastor from the Bible (which is always selective – “we do these things, we don’t do those things”)

If you are speaking to people inside your specific religious group, they might understand what you mean when you say “biblical.” But only if you’ve taught them your definition. Outside those narrow confines, people could understand it to mean anything, and your ability to communicate clearly with the word dissolves.

Without carefully defining what we mean when we use the word “biblical,” we can come across as supporting all manner of horrific things.

Here’s what I mean. If someone hears “biblical” and thinks “in the Bible,” they could understand you to mean you justify polygamous marriage, genocide, or slavery of some sort (maybe not the kind of slavery we fought a war over, it could be the slavery of patriarchy — of wives and children). All of those are offensive and repulsive to me, but they are found in the Bible, and not just practiced by God’s enemies. All of these have been practiced at various times throughout history by Christians because they justified them in the Bible.

I use that example to point out the fallacy that Christians often fall into: that “biblical” is simple concept to understand. This is a concept called “perspicuity of Scripture.” Oh the irony to use a word no-one knows for the idea that the Bible is easy to understand (to which I respond, “You have not read Ezekiel, Ecclesiastes, Job, and Revelation!”) An ancient book written in a foreign language to an ancient culture as different from ours as night is from day cannot be simple to understand. If you are reading and applying it at face value, and if you take that to its ultimate end, you could justify being a polygamous slave-owner who commits genocide against those who are different.

To be fair, my conservative friends and family do not believe in polygamy, genocide, or slave-ownership. So what DO they mean, and how did they arrive at it? Who says what is and is not biblical? How do they decide?

When I dug into those questions, I discovered that the process of defining “biblical” turns out to be quite complicated and subject to ongoing debate.

I’m also not so sure this is a worthy endeavor. I think we should stop and ask the question “Is being biblical supposed to be our goal?” What if trying to be biblical is like trying to be Polish – you either are or you aren’t? What if the changes in our lives are done to us and in us by God after we commit to following and serving Him?

One thing Christians agree on is that Jesus and his disciples taught that we are to imitate Jesus. We tend to disagree on what all that entails, but we agree that Jesus lived the perfect life and is therefore our perfect role-model. Even better, people outside individual sects of Christianity understand who Jesus was and what it means to imitate him.

Let’s quit talking about being biblical and instead focus on loving and serving and imitating Jesus.

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Denial | Life: unmasked

life: unmaskedI’m flying to Pennsylvania tomorrow.

I agreed to sew three costumes for trick-or-treat this year. (Click here to read more about why we participate in Halloween.) And yesterday I discovered that I don’t have enough fabric for the third costume because I’m still cutting them out — I haven’t even reached the sewing stage yet.

My kids are attending two birthday parties while I’m gone.

I have a list of things to mail that grows every day.

Instead, I’ve taken the youngest and dog to the pet store, washed piles of clothes, chaperoned a field trip, washed clothes, gone to the gym, and worked on another business. I’ve spent three days working on a post that I’m very passionate about but still isn’t ready. My husband and I are still hashing it out. Maybe it will be ready tomorrow. Or Friday. Or it might never see the light of day.

I’m an expert at denial, or else I’ve finally figured out that whatever needs to get done will get done, and what isn’t necessary isn’t worth stressing about.

Yeah, it’s the latter. Right? Right.

ADDENDUM: I have to confess another failure. I just realized I never picked a winner for the Christa Wells “Frame the Clouds” CD from the life:unmasked link-up a month ago! I’m SO SORRY. Also, congratulations to Sarah of From Tolstoy to Tinkerbell! You were selected by random.org this morning. Send me your address and I’ll get the CD in the mail to you today!

This is life: unmasked, a blog link-up for bloggers willing to get real, take off our masks, and show how we are finding God (or how God is finding us) in the mess of everyday life. Will you join us?

It’s very simple. Write a post (or just share some photos or a video — be creative!). Grab the life: unmasked graphic (copy the code for it from my left sidebar) for your post. Next, share the link to your specific post (not just the general link to your blog) in the linky tool below, or if you don’t blog, share your story in the comments.

Please visit at least two other posts (maybe the one directly in front of you in the linky-list?), and leave them an encouraging comment. If you tweet, use the hashtag #lifeunmasked so we can find you there, too.

Let’s build an unmasked community, a safe place to be real with one another.

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Sponsor a child in Bolivia with World Vision

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