I feel normal today. I shouldn’t, but I do. (#517 times 100!)
It is two days until the third anniversary of our daughter’s death, and one day until an important heart check-up for my son. I should be a sobbing mess, barely able to get out of bed, let alone focus on a screen and string words together.
Previous years, I have been exactly that. And a month ago, I was. The tears, inability to focus, feeling adrift, and dark thoughts were overwhelming.
But this week is different (#518). For the first time in recent memory, I feel like me… the me who has been a dusty memory for so long. I am calm, stable, and coherent (#519-521). It feels like I’ve finally deboarded the roller coaster and am walking through life again, instead of clutching whatever I could and trying not to scream because of how out-of-control it all felt.
I’m able to savor the memories of our last few days, and of all of Elli’s life, with us (#522). Like taking her to school late on the last Thursday because we had an appointment (#523) and picking her up early from school the last Friday she attended (#524). I didn’t normally have those extra moments with her, but we did the last week of her life (#525).
What has changed? How is this possible?
I think several things are contributing.
Many friends and family have been praying for us, and God is answering those prayers.
I’ve found a few people with whom I can share, not least of which is my husband. Our relationship has deepened and strengthened significantly over the past year, and that is a huge difference this year over the past couple. A couple in our church have listened and handed me tissues and encouraged me to take the actions necessary to help me get healthy. And a new friend here in town has called me out of the blue to pray, taken me out to breakfast, and linked arms as a fellow battler-of-depression in a way I haven’t had before.
All of those things have helped me take the big step of going back to my doctor and starting a new anti-depressant. I’ve only been taking it for a few weeks, and I’m taking vitamins and omegas and exercising regularly, but like I said at the beginning, I feel like me again. (#526-539)
Elli would be happy. She would want me to enjoy our memories of her time in our family instead of drowning in them. She would want me to walk into the hospital tomorrow confident that whatever the doctors say is something that we can handle with God’s help. My daughter would want me to be able to enjoy fall again, and reclaim the season as one of beauty and celebration, of anniversaries and harvest, of the cycle of life and death and rebirth, instead of grief and depression. (#540-544)
I am thankful to enjoy the fall again. (#545)
What about you? What are you thankful for today? If you are battling depression, how can I pray for you?
P.S. Don’t forget to share your latest life: unmasked post at the link-up here every Wednesday.
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Visiting from A Holy Experience, Some dear friends’ son passed away on Saturday and I have been overwhelmed with grief for them. Thank you for sharing your gifts and your story.
Anna recently posted..Day 16 31 for 21
Jumped over from A Holy Experience. Thank you for sharing. You will be in my prayers!
Praising God with you today, friend!! So thankful that he can turn our sorrow into joy! Hugs!
Marla Taviano recently posted..too pooped to purge {day 17 of 31}
As one who has battled depression on and off for many years, I love to hear how God is working to bring healing to other hurting souls. I can happily say that I was able to recently reduce the amount of antidepressants I take each day:) And Omega’s have been really helpful too. Blessings to you and yours.
Christina recently posted..Multitude Mondays
i love you, Joy. and i’m so, so, SO proud of you for doing whatever was necessary to feel better. can’t wait to see you! xoxo.
Elizabeth Esther recently posted..How Christian schools make children LESS Christian
I am so glad, so thankful He is immersing your scars in healing salves sent through so many avenues. I’ll be praying and continuing to lift you up.
Hyacynth recently posted..Everyday Life: What My Relevant Roomies Should Know
I am so happy for you…finding our joy in the midst of difficult circumstances is true joy, the kind that comes straight from our heavenly Father. {{hugs}} and praying you through the appointment for your son!!
Melissa recently posted..{day 17} The lie that you aren’t good enough
I cannot tell you how lovely it is to read these words, words that seem to float off the page in their lightness and relief. Thank you, Lord, for praying friends, for modern medicine, for the passage of time as deep, deep wounds heal. Thank you for this post, Joy. Welcome back – glad to meet you.
Diana Trautwein recently posted..Five Minute Friday: Catch…
Giant hugs to you my friend. I’m glad that you have a different kind of memorial this year than previous years. And if you find in a few years that it’s a sobbing, hard year, know that that’s okay too. I think permission to feel whatever you need to feel is important and I’m glad that you’re allowing yourself to NOT be a sobbing mess this year if that’s not how you feel.
And good for you for doing what you need to do to be well. That takes tremendous courage and I think you’re one of the bravest people I know.
Alise recently posted..Advertising Mister-y
HOORAY for those hints, those early glimmers, whispers of something familiar, something once-loved and enjoyed, speaking “Yes, it is possible and happening!”
Marilyn recently posted..I Keep a Date
I love this, my friend. Autumn has always been my favorite season. One of the reasons is it brings change. xo
Tamara Out Loud recently posted..Do You Want to Write for Me (2)?
I battle depression but I am treated for it. Right now I am in a good place, but – hey I will ALWAYS take prayer offers!
Pray that I can live each day and enjoy my children please.
PS I’m very very glad for where you are at right now.
Lady Jennie recently posted..Young Lady Has a Friend
Oh, I am so glad that you are feeling His sweet love for you. I have battled depression myself, on and off, for several years. It can be such a black cloud on your life. I am grateful for your journey and your willingness to share with others.
Pattyann recently posted..Sabbath Day Scribblings – The Lord’s Hands
Joy, thank you for sharing your list today. Beautifully written. Your book is on my list to get and to read. I’ve been battling some dark days. You may pray for genuine fellowship for me and my dh. As you wrote, having that friend that understands and cares for you without your asking is such a treasure – and such a healing experience. Hallelujah for the friend He has given you in this season! I’ll be praying for you this week that joy and peace will continue to rule and reign.
Cherie recently posted..In All Things…
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart hurts for you today, but am thankful to hear you are doing well and enjoying the season. I have struggled with depression off and on, but after reading, I am not sure it was valid. I cannot imagine the loss of a child. Praying for you.
Barbie recently posted..Drops of Grace
Thank you for sharing this. I got the sense from reading this that there really isn’t any way that we’re “supposed” to feel in such situations. I know I’ve struggled with that in midst of some grief in the past, and in reality, we just are where we’re at and we need God to meet us there. It’s not like I can clean up my grief, stress, or pain before God will come in and help me. There is so much wisdom in this post. Be blessed!
This is beautiful. And you look radiant in your photo. I cannot wait to settle in and read through your blog.
I stumbled upon this site, while reading about grief. While it was comforting to me, I am actually grieving the loss of my life partner, of 22 years. He and I met and fell in love on day one. Does anyone know of a website or blog that might be helpful for me? It’s been two and a half months. His death was rather sudden, and I am not feeling any relief. I was reading about the differences between grief and depression, when I found this site.