It was midnight and the girl was in our room again, this time to say she couldn’t get her music to stop playing. I’d lost count of how many times she got up in the four hours since we’d put the kids to bed. My body had imposed a 30-second fatigue delay – the time it took for me to process what she said and formulate a response. I turned off her music and shut the door, giving her firm instructions not to get up again until morning.
The next day she appeared unhindered by the lost sleep, bouncing around the house making movies and playing with her dolls. I, on the other hand, took a two-hour nap.
Most nights I sleep well all night, no interruptions. One difficult night wrecks me. Before Elli died, I rarely slept an entire night without disruption. Her body never rested well after a seizure wracked her one summer afternoon before she started preschool. I made my first terror-stricken 911 call that day as I watched her face contort, her arms jerk, and her skin fade to blue. The EMTs weren’t able to break her out of the seizure, so we raced her to the nearest hospital, sirens wailing my fear that she would never wake up or if she did, that she would never be the same.
She did wake up, and she was herself again, but she always needed medicines to control seizures, and those meds destroyed her ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. Not only that, but she didn’t just hang out quietly in her room when she couldn’t sleep. She made all sorts of noise, sometimes happy, sometimes complaining, always loud enough to keep me from sleeping.
On days like this, when a child has needed me once in the night and I’m struggling to stay patient and on task, I have no idea how I used to function back when sleep-deprivation was the norm. I do know this: lack of sleep damages one’s ability to remember. My short-term memory is terrible, and much of the last twelve years is a gray fog.
Today, I am thankful for sleep at night and the chance to actually take a good nap now and then. I am thankful for hard nights because of the remembering.(#587-590) I am also fighting off my regret for how poorly I handled those sleepless nights with Elli. I didn’t see them as extra time with her that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I was too tired to see any up side. I am praying for help to see the up side and to be generous with my love when my children need me now, even when it’s the middle of the night.
What past experiences help you be thankful today?
Today I join Ann in looking back on the previous week and giving thanks.
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Thanks for this blessing of a post on a quiet morning at my messy house! We too were putting kids back to bed until 11:30 last night. I mentioned you and life/unmasked on my blog today. Love you!
Wow…Joy…I don’t even know what to say…
Thank you for being such a wonderful example of being thankful during the hard times. This is my first time visiting your blog and my heart aches at what you’ve been through. But you are so right — our past experiences help us to better recognize God’s grace and blessings today.
Kellie recently posted..1000 Gifts
This is one of those things that I fought God on for a long time. I wanted my sleep. I deserved my sleep. Now, I laugh at myself for my childishness and pray every night before I crawl into bed, “Lord please remind me the second my eyes open to a sleepless child in the middle of the night that I never stop being their mother and that you never stop being my Father. Amen”
I remember, with regret, the horrible way I treated my small children when they needed me in the night. It makes me hate sin all the more. Do I regret it? Yes. Do I get angry with myself? Yes. What do I do about it? I strive to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom. 12:2) and throw off everything that hinders me and the sin that so easily entangles me and keep running with perseverance (Heb 12:1).
Thanks for the post, Joy.
Stephanie recently posted..And the two shall become one
Just… tearful as I read this. Like you, “I didn’t see them as extra time with her that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I was too tired to see any up side. I am praying for help to see the up side and to be generous with my love when my children need me now, even when it’s the middle of the night.” My girl is still on earth with us, but not at home because her mind is AWOL right now. I miss her so much and am sad like you that my attitude wasn’t as loving as it might have been with her when she was here and younger. Praying peace and joy over us both this holiday of thankfulness…
Laurie Wallin recently posted..Tired Before The Holidays Even Start? Here’s Help.
This adds a totally new perspective on the sleepless nights. One that those of us who haven’t experienced this kind of loss may never understand.
As for how in the world you handled it back then . . . my mom recently pointed out to me that ten years ago, I pulled occasional all-nighters and suffered less from them than I do the interrupted sleep now. We get older, and our bodies react differently.
Thank you for sharing your insight and hindsight regarding those sleepless nights. I hope I will be able to take it to heart and use the wake-up calls as a time to treasure instead of just enduring. The reminder came at a very good time.
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