I learned the Hebrew word “hesed” this spring. I am not sure I’ll ever get over the beauty of it – I hope not. It inspired this piece I originally wrote for Deeper Story.
She backed herself into the corner, wedged between the pillows, reading lamp silhouetting her hair against her knees. She swiped away the tears blurring the pattern of stitches on her bedspread, then buried her face in it.
“I am a terrible person. Broken and unfixable. I… I said I loved you, but then… I ran off.”
Her pain poured out in jerking wrenching sobs. “I betrayed you. I’m so sorry.”
He waited until she quieted.
“I know.” His voice was low, quiet.
Her voice had poured out all wet and soaked into the bed, so the words crept out in a whisper. “But I gave myself to you. I promised. And then I broke it. I gave myself away so many times, and now it’s destroyed.”
“It isn’t totally destroyed.”
She studied him for signs of leaving, of anger and bitterness, of desire for revenge or to kick her out. She found none.
“How can you be so calm?”
His smile was slight and sad. “I knew you would leave.”
She gasped.
He reached for her hands. “When you met me, I knew. When you promised yourself to me and sealed your promise in the water, I knew you wouldn’t keep it. When you eat and drink to remind yourself of our covenant, I know that you can’t keep it.”
Self-hatred boiled up into her mouth, gagging her as she realized he spoke the Truth. She tried to drag her eyes away, but he held them fast.
“Beloved, I know how broken and weak and easily-won your heart is. But I loved you then and I love you now. I made an unbreakable covenant vow to you, my precious girl. I promised you my hesed*.”
“Your hesed?”
He smiled. “Hesed is loyal unfailing love, no matter what you do, knowing that you are broken and weak and will be unfaithful. But my hesed never fails. It is yours forever.”
She couldn’t speak.
Finally, she stammered, “You knew that I would break our covenant? And you made it with me anyway? You aren’t kicking me out? I… I… I don’t know what to do with this.”
“I love you. Ask me to forgive you. My hesed guarantees a way back.”
A tiny leaf of hope sprouted in her heart.
“Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner. Please forgive me.”
But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. I John 1:9
*Hesed is the Hebrew word most often translated “mercy,” “lovingkindness,” “kindness,” or “love.” It is a very important word in the Old Testament, but it is a difficult word to translate into English because we lack a single English word that adequately communicates its full meaning. When used of God, hesed speaks of His loyal, unfailing love for His people flowing out of their covenant relationship. Even though we may prove unfaithful to this covenant, His covenant love never ends. Praise be to God.
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Oh how wonderful this is. Your writing has blew me away. I try to understand the meaning of hesed but can I really we this human heart this selfish human heart. I’m so grateful to Gods love his amazing grace and I give thanks that I blessed to be part of this family in Christ.
Thank you so much for writing this, Joy.
Praise Christ for His love and power that sustains His covenant to us!
Thanks, Joy. I needed this today…
Don Sartain recently posted..Don’t Stop The Music
Beautifully worded! What a perfect Christmas reminder. Thanks Joy!
Shellie Neumeier recently posted..Flittering about…
this my heart cried for.
thank you.
This is beautiful. Half way through I was like… what a biaaatch. Then I realized that was me. Gulp!!!!
Thankful for his mercy!
Moe recently posted..The Usual Suspects: Drowning Generation
I promised my “hessed” to my wife 35 years ago knowing that mental illness ran in her family. 20 years later it raised its ugly head in her life when she was diagnosed with “major depression”. After a recovery, ten years later she went “manic” then into “deep depression” as she was re-diagnosed as bipolar. There was a time she would look into my eyes and ask me, “where’s my husband?” She lost me in the depths of her illness, but I never lost her. Since then she has “found me” again (long, but touching story this space doesn’t allow). When a spouse faces severe mental illness, it can be devastating to a marriage. Over 85% of the marriages that have one of the spouses mentally ill faces separation and divorce. Only my promising my “hessed” has saved it! That can only be done through a deep faith in Jesus Christ who promises unconditional love, mercy, and grace, “hessed”. Many people have marveled that I am still with my wife, but I can not conceive leaving even being even an option because of my “hessed” promise. Through all this adiversity, our love has actually grown stronger and deeper for each other, which is a real tribute to what Jesus can do in a life and in a marriage. Thanks for sharing the story.
Anthony Bachman recently posted..Women Can Understand The Five Fold
Oh this was just beautiful. And such a true reminder of Christ’s love and the kind of love we should aspire to. Sometimes I think I spend so much time surrounded by the conditional sort of love that the world says is okay, the “as long as it makes me happy” love, and I worry that I will forget how we are really supposed to love.
Amy recently posted..How Many Kings
beautiful post and SO what I needed to read today, as I struggle with forgiveness… for my husband’s betrayal…
debi9kids recently posted..the naughty list
Oh Debi. So thankful that it helped in some small way. I’ve read bits of your story and respect you greatly for staying and working to restore. I prayed for your when I read your comment and again today.
Oh, yes. I love this!
Beth recently posted..Living the Paradox
I have experienced this kind of love, and it is life-changing. You wrote about it so beautifully. Thank you.