For this week’s Life:Unmasked, I’m featuring an anonymous guest post I received a couple of weeks ago. It is one of the most bare pieces of writing I’ve read in awhile. I have the deepest respect for this woman, awed that in spite of the deep pain she carries, she hasn’t surrendered to bitterness or thrown in the towel. These are all her words. I hope you’ll encourage her with your own in the comments. (The linky for Life:Unmasked is at the end of the post.)
***
“Did I tell you I’m asking Brad to submit some writing samples?”, he said as he sauntered out of the closet, eyes fully engaged with his smartphone and only half-heartedly trying to make conversation with me.
“Which Brad, and writing samples for what?”, I asked with probably a little too much zeal. My interest was piqued, and I felt my adrenaline begin to rush.
Was this the moment I’ve been waiting for? Were there really openings at the dream company we had packed up our family and moved 800 miles for my husband to work for? Were my secret dreams of someday getting to work there too about to come true? Were they actually hiring for what my college diploma proclaims I have been trained to do–to WRITE? To children, of which I have four? About the Bible, which I love and have been a life-long student of?
“Oh, Brad from our old church. We’re looking for some more male writers, we already have soooo many women.”
Message received.
A surge of billious responses lurched to my lips, which I pressed firmly closed to muzzle the hurt, as well as to help quell the flow of tears that were threatening to spill out of my eyes. Again.
My husband had no idea what his words had just broken, yet again, in this nine-second interchange.
I’m a writer. I have a degree. I’ve been a teacher and taught other people how to write. I’ve blogged. I’ve been paid to write. I’ve edited. I’ve volunteered my writing. I think in Helvetica. Yet, I don’t think my husband sees me as a writer. And it hurts beyond explanation.
This wound picks at the scab of a similar scar that was inflicted on me by another supposedly safe and sacred relationship, that of my church.
10 years ago, I sat in an interview for a new leadership position in our church called Servant Development. I couldn’t have written a job description that would have been more perfect for me at that time.
But as I was sitting in the interview basking in the glow of how uncannily well-suited my unique personality, skills and strengths were to this position, I was asked to explain how I line up with I Timothy 3:1-7. I opened my Bible, read through the qualifications and commented to each one how I either am or am not that person
After I finished, my interviewer then asked me to read verse two again, out loud, and to make sure that I fit all the criteria.
“An overseer, then, must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate, prudent, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,”…
My breath whooshed out as the realization sunk in. Despite being in a completely faithful marriage where we were one husband and one wife fully committed to each other, I was the “one wife” in this verse and not “the husband”. I stammered, “Oh, …I’m not a man.”, and my interviewer morosely shook his head in agreement.
I don’t remember any more of the interview. There probably was not much more. It was over.
Message received.
I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I scuttled out of the building as quickly as possible with tears stinging my eyes. The interviewer had purposely led me to the realization that my gender was the disqualifying factor for this position. I felt patronized by the fact that he had made me say it out loud. This intentional entrapment shook me to the core. And something in me fractured in that moment.
I don’t understand why the church didn’t bother to state that they would only be considering men for this position, and why they went through the time and trouble to call me in for an interview when I clearly was not even going to be considered as a viable candidate.
10 years later, I have still not gotten over this hurt from the big “C” church. I think I am still in shock that the church, and not “the world”, would be the institution that would tell me that my gender would disallow me from doing what I was made to do.
All I really told my husband, who was finishing up seminary and had been newly hired by this very same church, was that I wasn’t right for the position. And although he patted me on the back offering condolences that things hadn’t worked out, I sensed some relief on his part. For half a decade, we had worked and ministered side-by-side, but all of a sudden it seemed like post-seminary he wanted to do his own thing and work somewhere apart from me. And my tiny fissure of doubt and lack of self-confidence silently widened into a crevice.
There are days when I literally encourage my spouse to live his dreams and embolden him to do what he’s good at through my gritted teeth masked in a smile. When on the inside I feel sunken in and empty, suffocating in the shroud of my perceived gender handicap and my complete lack of confidence in myself.
I try to cover up how painful it is for me to hear that his company–a Christian ministry– is hiring gender-specific writers. That my own husband did not speak up and mention that he’s married to writer–regardless of the fact that my gender doesn’t align with what they think they need. That instead of asking me to submit writing samples, he’s elatedly running down the list of the guy friends and acquaintances he’s soliciting. It slays me that he didn’t champion me for something that comes as naturally to me as breathing. And that he, of all people, wouldn’t understand that writing is genderless. That writing to children about the Word of God is for all people, just like the message of salvation is meant for all people and can be conveyed BY all people.
The worry and fear and doubt and all the questions are coming back harder, faster, and painfully deeper than ever. And like a typical girl, when I’m all by myself and no one will know about it, I sit down and have a gut-wrenching cry about it all. Again.
***
Link up your life:unmasked post here (make sure it’s the direct link to the post, not just the general one to your blog). I just ask two things — link back to this post so people can find Life:Unmasked and join in if they want, and visit/comment on 2-3 of the other posts in the linky.
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I wish I had more words to share, but I want to say that this post touched me, and it is echoing in my heart as I think about the day and what’s next. Your words are beautifully crafted, and they show us that writing is a gift, that you are here to write. I hope you can feel today that I am listening, from my small corner of the world, and that I hope with all my heart that the people around you see you as the beautiful writer and person you are. Thank you for sharing such honesty with us – it is a privilege to read your words.
Hilary recently posted..Dear Hilary, Love Hilary: Fling Your Heart Open
Om, my God, I wish I had words to share back that equal how amazing and heartbreaking this is. All I can think is that women run Sunday School and put together the new member welcome baskets and make dinners for the bereaved and the new moms and chaperone the youth groups, etc, etc, etc, etc, and in return the church systematically tears us to shreds.
Dear one,
What if you didn’t keep your dreams in secret? What if you didn’t hide gritted teeth behind a smile? What if you didn’t cry alone?
What would happen if you unmasked all this in your real life, to your own husband? Maybe something terrible; I don’t know. But maybe something really, freeing-ly good.
You’re worth the risk.
Tamara
Tamara Lunardo recently posted..Guest Post: “Requiem of a Twilight Dream”
EXACTLY what I wanted to say to you, sweet friend. TALK about this. With your husband. And if you need it for courage or clarity, do it in the presence of a trusted counselor. This is eating you up and your spouse is oblivious. That is a sign of some real need for honest communication. I’ve been EXACTLY (well almost – I’m not a writer by profession) where you are. Getting counseling, talking about it together literally changed our lives and the trajectory of our future. Praying for peace for you – and for courage to take this pain out of its cage and talk it through with the one who is supposed to be your partner in all things. It’s a risk – I know that, I’ve lived it. But for me, it was so, SO worth it. Perhaps it can be for you as well. I pray so.
Diana Trautwein recently posted..A SLO Day: Spiritual Direction
Well said Tamara! I know that it’s extremely hard for those who have been hurt to speak up. Incredibly hard. However, in my own marriage it has been so encouraging to see how quickly my wife tells me when I’ve screwed up and provided me an opportunity to make things right.
What a heart-breaking post. If only every complementarian and practitioner of patriarchy could read a post like this. There is so much hurt that is inflicted needlessly. When two become one, it’s not like one side has to win or take over. To the author, I’ll pray that you will receive the equal treatment that you deserve because you were created in God’s image–male AND female. I don’t see the Bible making men 51% in God’s image and women only 49%. Men and women fully reflect God’s image and so far as I can tell, are equals in his eyes.
ed cyzewski recently posted..Women in Ministry Series: The Lesser Minister
Beloved Daughter of Christ,
I don’t think it is any accident that I visited this blog today. It is divine. Your writing style is engaging, and while you do not know me, I would like to affirm you to your calling of being an incredible writer.
My heart breaks for you as I imagine hiding behind the mask… I am blessed with a husband who supports my recent call to ministry, even if it means not bringing in “worldly dollars.” He doesn’t understand sometimes, but still encourages me when he can.
I will pray for you today– for healing of your heart and continued courage to take off the mask. Kudos on not living in the bitter, but rejoicing in the gift. You have a lot to offer. God has called you to this, He is faithful and will do it!
~SGK
Sharita Knobloch recently posted..Your Personal Cheerleader
what that church did to embarrass you was shameful and mean-spirited, and my heart aches.
i’ll echo tamara. mourn not in secret or alone. praying for reconciliation and healing arms of community to affirm your value and gifts.
suzannah {so much shouting, so much laughter} recently posted..homosexuality is(n’t) a sin | half-truths, hurt & the limits of language
think I am still in shock that the church, and not “the world”, would be the institution that would tell me that my gender would disallow me from doing what I was made to do.
This sentence really spoke to me and summed up my difficulties in church right now. My issues are slightly different as they deal with my child with Autism and not my gender but the hurt and shock are still them same.
It was the church, not the world, where I first realized that her diagnosis would exclude her. The church was the first to say “she’s not good enough”. The church was the first to turn their backs on her, and then by extension us.
She has been almost wholy accepted by the world. The world is where I expected rejection and would have understood with out question. But not the church. The church was supposed to accept her and build her and us up. It was supposed to be something that it was not.
And this is why, I stand in the background of my new church, silently watching and observing. Almost waiting for her to be rjected again. It’s why I hold my heart back and watch out the outskirts. Because the pain caused to me , appears to be almost to great to overcome. I don’t think that I can ever look at a church with those naive eyes I had before.
Kristin recently posted..Cute Shannon Thoughts
Oh, I just gritted my own teeth reading this. My heart aches over the lack of grace and love shown you by that church. And I can’t help praying that you will be able to talk to your husband about this. Perhaps he needs to be reminded of your gifts, training and calling because you are not just one of “sooo many women.”
Amy recently posted..Midweek Links – Make Your Own Staples
Oh, I am so, so sorry. I hurt when people behave this way. When they don’t understand that we are daughters of God and that He loves us. He made us. He wants us to be who we were meant to be. I also think you should talk to your husband about this if at all possible. He needs to be concerned and kind enough not to be part of the hurt in your life. No matter what he does for a living. I agree that he should stand up for you and praise you, whether his boss hires you is totally beside the point. He should be the one letting that boss know what he is missing. And maybe, there is a reason there are so many women writers!! When my heart hurts like this, I try to remember that church, any church, is for the sinners not the saints. That everyone who goes to church is imperfect. They are trying to do their best, but they are still imperfect. Keep writing, keep praying, keep remembering whose you are. He gave you this talent for a reason. You might not know it today, but I know your time will come.
Pattyann recently posted..For days when you feel overwhelmed
I feel very angry when I read this essay. God gave you your talents and abilities! God made you. And he knows you’re talented, good at this writing thing. I’m so sorry so many others are so hurtful.
This says it all…. “That writing to children about the Word of God is for all people, just like the message of salvation is meant for all people and can be conveyed BY all people.”
I am so sorry for your pain. I hope you get several opportunities to assert what God has placed in your heart to do in a loving, enocouraging environment. Keep writing!
Gillian Marchenko recently posted..Why it is hard to tell the truth in my memoir
That’s weird. I always thought I Timothy 3:2 meant not practicing polygamy. Of course I could be just another liberal egalitarian who reads the Bible the way I want to . . . unlike those good ol’ neo-fundamentalist Calvinists who always get it right!
Travis Mamone recently posted..What Else Could I Write?
As a guy I just don’t get it when churches reject talented women due to some misconstrued doctrinal ideology.
You write wonderfully, in this amazing post there is heart wrenching depth and I feel your pain even as a potentially complicit husband myself. You’ve taken an awesome step writing here, seek comfort in Christ and with those who have commented above, I encourage you to take even little steps to telling you husband how the unfairness is truly affecting you.
Mike McArthur recently posted..Pray for your kids – Compassion
I’d like to say this gently, though I’m not usually known for a gentle spirit. Please take what I have to say to heart and know it is coming from experience. Oddly enough, I just wrote a bit of my story out on my blog and I’m writing more of it in an ebook this week. Reading your story does anger me. I hurt for you and I feel your pain and I want to make it all right.
Listen, though, you need to stop hiding. You are important and your God-given desires and God-given passions are needed in this world and every second that you keep it in is another second that you’re letting people get between you and God. So while the men in the story are most definitely part of the hurt and pain, please look inside your own heart as well. Do you really believe that a human (any human) can stand in front of and stop something that God has ordained? Or are you allowing these people to hide your light under a bushel?
Why do you allow things like this to stop God from working through you? Do you believe that God values you or are you listening to the voice of doubt that says you’re not good enough?
Examine your heart, love. Then stand up, brush off the dirt, and get to using the gifts God has trusted you with. You’ve got choices. You can listen to them or you can listen to God. You’ve got a lot to offer this hurting world.
mich pendergrass recently posted..My Favorite Tree Painting (so far)
First and most important, you are a writer and a phenomenal one at that. God has blessed you with a gift. I fully believe that where gifts and talents are given, God means for them to be used. I will pray that doors will be opened and that opportunities will arise for you to shine.
Second, I agree with what many of the others have already said about speaking up and shining the light on this kind of injustice. Only you know your situation and how that might be done, but I hope you see through the comments here that there is a whole community of people who support you in this.
Finally, I have lost count of the number of articles I’ve read recently on what seems to be a resurgence of the effort to “put women in their place.” I don’t think it’s just in religious communities that this is happening. Just look at some of the most recent proposed legislation and listen to what some of the candidates are proposing, all in the name of “family values.” I look at some of the challenges I face as a woman in ministry and I watch in horror at the way some of my female colleagues are undermined and attacked for daring to live into their God-given call. I don’t know the answer. I just know that I believe that the only way the women like ourselves can survive is to stand together, speak out, and support one another through the backlash we are bound to receive. We owe it to each other. We owe it to our daughters and our granddaughters.
Thank you for your courage in writing and sharing this.
Jan recently posted..Wind Blown
I’m old-fashioned in thinking that some roles are better suited to men (preaching to a mixed congregation, mainly) but neither of the two you mentioned seem to fit the bill. They probably were afraid of stating they wanted a man for fear of a lawsuit or something. But then you can’t mix the world with Scriptures – either you qualify in line with the world or qualify in line with the Scriptures.
Do talk to your husband.
Lady Jennie recently posted..When I Was a Princess
I’m crying with you today, friend. No words of wisdom to offer, just bearing witness to this pain.
I’m so sorry. Praying right now that God redeems your hurt and provides you with the perfect outlet for the gifts he gave you.
Marla Taviano recently posted..the boys i never had
I know that you were still not removing the mask because you remain anonymous, but there is something so powerful about being transparent. I pray that God would use this to give you the courage to remove your mask with your husband. It might be painful for him to read this post, but it would be a start. I have felt every bit of the pain of not being able to do what you were made to do. Somehow you have to fight for yourself. And believe that God did indeed intend for you to use the gifts He gave you for His glory. Admitting that you are weak and have lost your confidence might be the first step in finding it and in fighting back. The enemy (Satan) wants you to feel this way. God does not. Let the comments in this post encourage you to talk to your husband.
We have to come to the Father naked and vulnerable and He takes us and puts proper clothing on us and says we are known and loved as we are. You are not giving your husband opportunity to really know you and love you, and I know how scary it will be to tell him. If you are not willing to talk to him out of fear of what it will do to your marriage, you are trading in safety for emptiness and mediocrity. Be brave, and maybe you will find fullness in the empty places. Your husband can’t know how to properly love and support you if he thinks you are okay with dying dreams. Sweet sister, don’t be okay with dying dreams. Don’t let Satan win. Do what you were made to do.
I intend to encourage and uplift and speak with gentleness in this comment. I hope it reads that way.
Jamie recently posted..His Uplifting