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News Flash: You Probably Won’t Marry a Virgin


We need to talk about sex. That much is clear from the response to recent posts on the damage done to individuals and couples by the purity culture. People have shared story after story of heartache, guilt, shame, and unmet expectations (or in many cases, flat-out unrealistic ones). Setting the merits of abstinence aside for a moment, this outpouring tells me that our inability to speak clearly and honestly about sex is hurting us and our relationships.

As with most challenges we face, it all boils down to unmet expectations about sex and intimacy. Many of our sexual problems stem from the purity culture’s flat, one-dimensional portrayal of human sexuality. This culture teaches an idealized and one-dimensional view of sexuality with three major flaws:

  1. Their obsession with modesty and boundaries borders on a call for asexuality.
  2. Their idealism glosses over the reality that most people (statistics say that only 4% are still virgins at age 25) have sex before marriage.
  3. They promise couples that if they follow the rules, sex within marriage will be phenomenal without any effort.

Read the rest on A Deeper Story.

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  1. Thank you for diving into this deep subject, not enough of the right stuff about sexuality is said, and too much of the wrong stuff is.

    This is a hot topic for me this month, my husband and I are youth pastors and spend every February talking about sex and purity and relationships. And we realize that there is not enough good Biblical, real, teaching about this. Real teaching that doesn’t just focus on purity or a lack of sexual activity or virginity. The bottom line is that we were not called to be virgins, we were called to live pure lives.

    I look forward to reading more of what you have to say about this!

    • Gina, do you and your husband teach the youth under your care to remain virgins until marriage? Isn’t that part of living a pure life, set-apart for God, after all our bodies are a Temple of the Holy Ghost?

      • None of my church going peers are still virgins. None of them felt the necessity to wait until marriage, and none of them particularly feeling any damage from premarital sex. The pastor keeps quiet about the matter and just about everyone accepts that premarital sex is a necessary part of modern life. I believe that much of the guilt of not being pure has lifted in today’s culture. Waiting is good for some people, and not waiting is good for others. I believe that sexual morals have changed a lot.

  2. You honestly think sexual problems in marriage stem from the three flaws you list here, Joy? That we are all taught and encouraged in progressive public schools to live as unhindered sexually liberated beings, with no emphasis on self-control, is not significant? That our culture is saturated with pornography doesn’t play even a teensy weensy part? As a mother of young children, you need to exercise exceeding vigilance due to the unbelievable age that some children are first made aware of porn. Josh McDowell told me that is between 4-6 years of age! That females are viewed as objects to satisfy the no limits sexual urges of males plays no role, huh? That males have come to expect an unrealistic, unearthly standard of beauty for women has nothing to do with their dissatisfaction of their less than perfect wives? That males have not been taught self-control over their inappropriate sexual impulses, that they are taught to be uninhibited when fulfilling their sexual appetites, that they are taught, “If it feels good, do it.” These facts have no bearing on the problems with sexual intimacy? What about the unrealistic expectations for wives to basically be used to perform outrageous sexual acts their wayward husbands have learned to crave from viewing porn, instead of being motivated by unselfish love in serving their wives? I’m speaking my mind, Joy, as you encourage folks to do here. Sex, created by our Almighty Creator to be an absolutely amazing and beautiful expression of love shared between a man and his wife, has been twisted by satan into something so degrading and ugly.

  3. Then guess what? I won’t marry.

    Women act like somehow men are forced to marry, and if enough of them “had a little fun in college”, then we will just have to choose from the gently-used wares on display.

    Sorry, sister, no.

    I just won’t marry. Maybe I will fall off the wagon someday and start sleeping around. Guess what? I STILL won’t marry.

    Now whatcha gonna do? No amount of scolding is going to change the mind of a man who has self-respect. Sexual innocence is a major reason men marry a woman in the first place. Too bad they give it away, usually to “jerks” or somesuch.

    Go ahead and hate me, it won’t matter in the long run.

    I will end life alone and childless some decades from now, and so will many women.

    But it least it was not my doing.

  4. I especially agree with number #3:

    “They promise couples that if they follow the rules, sex within marriage will be phenomenal without any effort.”

    I was told many times before getting married that if my husband and I had sex before we walked down the aisle, it would permanently ruin our sex life down the road. That there’s something about pre-marital sex that would end up destroying married sex later. Never mind the fact that my husband is the only man I’ve ever been with, and I’m the only woman he’s ever been with. What a ridiculous scare tactic.

    News Flash: AND just because my husband and I were virgins when we got married, does not make our marriage better or more holy than those who had been with other people when they got married 😉 Anyone else ever hear that one? 😛


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