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What’s Wrong with Virginity? Nothing, Unless You’re Obsessed with It

Today’s post on sex (I’m writing a bit of a series on sex this month.) is featured on The Guardian’s US op-ed page, Comment Is Free. Here’s a sneak peek:

I could be the poster child for the merits of abstinence before marriage: I am a member of the US evangelical Christian community and remained a virgin until my wedding.

I’ve been happily married to the same man for almost 15 years. We’ve seen a lot in our marriage: conceived four children, cared for two with severe medical conditions, buried one of them, started and quit jobs, moved houses, changed churches, grieved, and battled depression. We have hurt, misunderstood, under-estimated, and annoyed each other. We’re still learning to become good lovers.

On more than a few days, we have barely held it together. So what’s our secret? It’s that we love each other no matter what.

To give my dearth of sexual partners credit for our marriage’s success is a ludicrous oversimplification. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking characterizes a significant portion of the US evangelical church’s approach to sex and marriage today.

Read the entire post here.

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  1. I’m too lazy to figure out how to register for commenting over there. But, this was pure awesome – “The truth is that abstinence no more guarantees a healthy marriage or rocking sex life than baking with organic eggs guarantees a gourmet cake. We need all of the ingredients to achieve human wholeness.”

  2. I really, really loved your article. As an older single (who is now engaged- YAY!), the main thing I would hear about being single in church was not to have sex. I would agree that trying to abstain from having sex is important, but I think there is more to be done to become “marriageable” than just abstaining from sex. I think what should be stressed is what you stressed – that you love each other no matter what. Also, don’t let divorce be and option – don’t even mention it!

  3. So true and important. Marriage (just like pre-marital dating and relationships) is about so much more than sex. Have you tried farm fresh eggs… honestly… there is nothing like them and they WOULD make your cake better 🙂

  4. If we have lost our virginity either to the ryt or wrong guys we should come out to guide others as its important to know there exist individual difference out of which guys av different preference


  1. […] Many articles in the past few weeks have critiqued the damaging messages about sex and marriage passed on by conservative churches. They emphasize virginity alone so heavily it  a sixth “Sola” – Sola Virginibus or “by virginity alone.” [The Protestant Reformation rallied around what we call the “five solas:" “Sola Scriptura” (Scripture Alone); “Sola Gratia” (Grace Alone); “Sola Fide” (Faith Alone); “Solus Christus” (Christ Alone); and “Soli Deo Gloria” (To God Alone Be Glory).] […]