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Finally I Can See You Crystal Clear ~ #LifeUnmasked

Songs express my heart so well when it’s a swirl of competing emotions. I love this song right now, because it speaks of so much more than a broken heart. It isn’t merely the words of an angry jilted lover. It mourns the tragedy and betrayal of the deliberate misuse of one’s power over another and describes the consequences.

There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it’s bringin’ me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out, and I’ll lay your shit bare

See how I’ll leave with every piece of you
Don’t underestimate the things that I will do
There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it’s bringin’ me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinkin’ that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling

We could have had it all
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it
(Tears are gonna fall)
To the beat
(Rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I’ve heard one on you, and I’m gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Make a home down there as mine sure won’t be shared

(You’re gonna wish you)
The scars of your love
(Never had met me)
Remind me of us
(Tears are gonna fall)
They keep me thinking
(Rolling in the deep)
That we almost had it all
(You’re gonna wish you)
The scars of your love
(Never had met me)
They leave me breathless
(Tears are gonna fall)
I can’t help feeling
(Rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You’re gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it
(Tears are gonna fall)
To the beat
(Rolling in the deep)
Adele: “Rolling in the Deep” Songwriters: Adkins, Adele Laurie Blue; Epworth, Paul Richard Publishers: EMI MUSIC PUBLISHING, LTD.; UNIVERSAL MUSIC PUBLISHING LTD.

(I hate disclaimers, but for those trying to read between the lines, this has nothing to do with my marriage or family.)

***

Life: unmasked buttonOn Wednesdays, I host a link-up for anyone willing to step away from the pretense that all is well, who will take off their mask with me, and write naked. Being real about our hard days has tremendous capacity to encourage others in their hard days. Life isn’t always good, but we can help each other get through the tough times when we acknowledge the truth. Sometimes the tears are gonna fall.

If you’ve written anything unmasked, link up below! Please link back to this post so your readers can find others willing to bare it all, and then make sure to visit at least two others and leave them encouraging comments.

Tapped Out ~ Life: Unmasked

The nurse explained, “He’s on the phone with the surgeon discussing the options. He’s concerned about the right side.”

I frown. “I thought the issue was with the left side. I didn’t think he’d do anything anywhere else.”

smiling doctorShe paused. “I don’t know. He’s done all his measurements and they are concerned about the right too.”

She left, and I sank into the hospital-grade loveseat, confused and worried. He’s talking with the surgeon. They’re concerned about both sides now. My stomach had been twisting and wringing for days (I call it “stress stomach”) but now it sunk as if a brick had dropped inside.

Surgery.

It was the last thing we wanted.  Of course we wanted the best for our son, but we didn’t want the best to include surgery.

Two hours later, the doctor walked into the waiting room with a huge smile on his face. It had looked grim, but the surgeon and he agreed to give some things a try and those things were wildly successful.

“His numbers are the best they’ve ever been,” he glowed.

“So, he doesn’t need surgery?” we asked.

“We’re optimistic that he’ll be able to wait at least a few years.”

We wept prayers of thanks after he left the waiting room. I could feel the tension flooding out of me and relief pouring in.

Maybe it’s my age – I’m twelve years older than I was when we first started this journey as parents of a child with a chronic medical condition. I can’t bounce back from a night of hospital-bad sleep, a week of pre-op preparation, or the months of waiting for a procedure and its verdict. Maybe it’s that we have three kids now, and they’re all much older and have feelings and worries and fears of their own that we are trying to help them through, in addition to our own. Maybe in a sick sort of way, I need the constant state of tension and readiness to keep me going.

Or maybe I can no longer hide from the other parts of our lives that remain unsettled.

Whatever the reason, I’ve been a wreck since we got the good news last Friday. All the good nights of sleep hasn’t been enough to restore my energy. Instead of joy, the prevailing mood has been discouragement and despair.

It doesn’t make sense. We got good news. But I am tapped out.

***

Life: unmasked buttonOn Wednesdays, I host a link-up for anyone willing to step away from the pretense that all is well, take off their mask, and write naked. I believe being real about our hard days has tremendous capacity to encourage others who are struggling. Life isn’t perfect all the time, but we can help each other get through the tough times when we acknowledge that and come alongside.

If you’ve written anything unmasked, link up below! Please link back to this post so your readers can find others willing to bare it all, and then make sure to visit at least two others and leave them encouraging comments.

When Life Gets Chaotic, Distract Yourself with Personality Tests ~ Life: Unmasked

I mentioned on Twitter this morning that life has been crazy. A few friends have commented on cryptic tweets and Facebook updates, wondering what’s going on and how they can help. I appreciate the concern so much. I won’t deny it – the pressure is really high right now. I will be at our children’s hospital for six out of the next seven days. Tonight we were invited to a special event recognizing people who made a difference last year, but the rest of the visits are for our youngest. He has a procedure on Friday that will determine whether he will need surgery this summer. Oh how I pray that he does not need more surgery because if he does, it sets the stage for many more surgeries later. But we want the doctors to make the best decision for him, and if the best thing for him is surgery, then so be it.

All of this hospital time (we have to get him to the hospital at 6am Friday and then I will spend the night with him there) has required me to ask for and accept help. This has never come naturally, though with twelve years of practice, I’m getting better at it. We have friends and family who are helping get the other kids where they need to go, bringing meals, and keeping us company while we wait for the test results on Friday. We feel very loved and supported.

Life never slows down for things like this, though. Many other facets of our life are in a state of flux, putting extraordinary strain on Scott and I as we try to hold things together at home. We’re both so thankful that home is the one place where things are relatively stable. This wasn’t the case 18 months ago.

All that is going on is wreaking havoc on my less-than-stellar-under-normal-circumstances capacity to do what needs to be done. True confession: I took these photos this morning.

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I’ll be spending the next 36 hours vacuuming and tidying and purging paper. Or maybe not. I’ve been reading about personality functions and Myers-Briggs types this morning while carefully ignoring all the grass and Legos sprinkled all over my floors.  (My husband and I have an ongoing debate over whether I’m ENTP, “The Visionary,” or INFP, “The Idealist.” He says, “You can’t be INFP; there is nothing laid-back about you, Joy.” I say, “It says INFPs are intensely loyal, pursue ’causes’ with devotion, and are great starters but horrible finishers. That’s totally me! Being adaptable and intense are not mutually exclusive.”)

What’s going on with you? How do you function when everything in your life begins to change? Does it show in the state of your home or somewhere else?

***

Life: unmasked buttonOn Wednesdays, I host a link-up for anyone willing to step away from the pretense that all is well, take off their mask, and write naked. We have tremendous capacity to encourage one another in our weaknesses by sharing our lives from the trenches, acknowledging how hard it can be, and telling each other, “You’re not alone, I’ve been there (or I’m there now), and together we can get through it.”

If you’ve written anything unmasked, link up below! Please link back to this post so your readers can find others willing to bare it all, and then make sure to visit at least two others and leave them encouraging comments.

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